Ugly Duckling

Ever since I'm quite young, I always feel like I'm the odd one out. I never feel like I really clicked with any group. Even when I share some interest with a particular group, there's always something that makes me different and makes me unable to completely feel at home. No matter how I enjoy my preferences, there's always voices that were (and are) questioning my preference. There are always the 'why on earth' remarks thrown at me.

I'm just going to dance my way
through life like Luthien in the
forest of Neldoreth

It takes me a while to understand that sometimes people question something because they really did not understand. It's not about being mean or not accepting the way I am. They just did not get it. Even when I have realized that, it took me even longer to understand that I don't owe anybody an explanation. That I can be comfortable with people, even when they don't understand my choices. And even when I have realized that, it still feels like a struggle sometimes; but as someone says, people who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

People have a right to feel whatever they feel, and up to some point convey it to other. However, I also have the right to like whatever I like and do whatever I enjoy; and most important to feel good doing it. This is me, with all my contradictions and inconsistencies (preference-wise). You can either love me or hate me, but I will continue being the way I am and progressing at my own pace. I am thankful for those of you who can accept me the way I am and make me feel accepted the way I am and all y'all haters can simply suck it.

XOXO

A Spike of Pain

You know how some nights, more than the others, you just feel like bursting into tears? It's one of those nights when you feel that your head is so full of crap it could explode at any moment and your heart is overwhelmed with loads that you cannot seem to get rid from your chest. Those nights happen to me every once in a while. However hard I avoid them, as long as there's something wrong in my life, they always manage to find a way in.

I had so much planned for my life. Get a job and be damned good with it, make good money, travel to exotic places, have my own house and master the ability to maintain it, get married, paid a trip to a cool place for my mum and dad, raise a wonderful child or two and overall have a great life. Among other things. Instead, my life gets stuck in a self-inflicted stand-still.

Yes, a near perfect stand-still. I realized that even though the world keeps on spinning around I'm just wallowing in my little world; and I'm not sure whether I want it to be over. If I do, than why on earth didn't I force myself hard enough to make a move and end the situation? If I don't, then why the hell do I feel dying inside? To tell you the truth, I'm sick of this situation, but I constantly fail to put things back on the right track; and it kills me inside.

I need help; and despite all of those people who love and support me, I just don't know how I could get it. So for tonight, I'm just going to cry my heart out, because I know that at the very least, God will hear me and be here with me as I cries.

Journey

Swim away little fish
Bring our love and prayers
As you glide out to the open sea

However strong the current may be
Keep one thing in mind
To always be happy and free

The water may be cold,
The weather may not be clear,
But the loving mother will guide your way
So you don't have nothing to fear

Embrace the moment
All the hopes and fear
For they may become your strength
The thing that keeps you here

Swim away little fish
Until your path is fulfilled

Crash! Boom! Bang!

When catastrophe hits, for a split seconds in live time seemed to flow slowly and fast at the same time. By the moment you realize that something's very wrong and your heart is screaming for you to get away, while at the same time your brain whispers that it's too late. And you know that it is true. It is simply to late and there is only one way to go and you must go through it; and then you did.

And then it struck. You started to see everything in flashes. You knew that it was going to hurt but you pray so hard for the pain not to be as bad as you imagined it to be. Then you started to not worry about the pain you'll feel and start panicking. When would this ordeal be over? This kind of things should have not take more than a few seconds, right? So why hasn't this over yet? You started screaming in your heart for it to be over. And the terror is just heartbreaking.

The ordeal finally stopped. You lift yourself up and thanking God for being able to do so. But when you look around, you realize that it's not just you. You tried so damn hard to lend a hand and help but it frustrated you that you don't have enough power to do so. You became infuriated at yourself for having to ask for help and not finish everything yourself. All you can do is do the best you can and pray that everything falls perfectly into places.

After everything is done, and you realize that everything will be okay. You can only feel a giant wave of relief and gratitude for everything that have been done; and how everything was going. And you no longer care about anything else.

Firework imagery from here. Please do not use without credits.

Patience is a virtue

The most obnoxious thing that Indonesian people have to go through every single day is struggling for a decent internet connection. I don't know whether people in other parts of the globe have similar problems but every single time we decide to connect to the world wide web, more often than not, we experience speed issue. And I notice that the phenomenon gets more frustrating whenever we desperately need to connect to the internet, i.e.: when we need to send our reports or reply some very important e-mails.

This is one of those days where struggling with connection frustrates me. I am used to using a CDMA wireless connection, but I recently obtain this fancy mo-fi GSM modem from my daddy-o private stash, so I go and buy myself a GSM card that is preloaded with 2 gigabytes of data bandwith in the hope of being able to surf and turf cooler and faster. So far, I haven't got the result I want, but lets pray that this slowness happens due to bad weather (which I know for a fact is a lie because the sky is radiating with starlight tonight).

Rock-a-bye-sesshy

As a child, I've always wanted a rocking horse. Nothing too fancy, just a plain and simple wooden horse that is painted with bright color colors. But for some reasons, I never got to have a rocking horse. It's not that my family cannot afford it, it's just that we were always to busy doing other things, so buying a rocking horse for me was never an agenda. Which is fine, because without it my childhood were already filled with lots of happy memories.

But recently, when I went back home, there it was, a nice plastic rocking horse that is equipped with four fold-able wheels so that, other than rocking back and forth, it can also be pushed and pulled around. Other than that, that little thing can also play various music and blinks accordingly. Something I couldn't even imagine in my younger days. It was my niece's. Seeing that little horsie got me thinking of how simple a child's wish is. For me, it was a rocking horse, for my cousin it was cutlery toys, for others it was million other simple things. However, I notice that whatever and however simple it was, it is always the things that we didn't get to have that got stuck in our minds as we grow older.

A very cool rocking vespa I found here

As I was googling for a rocking horse picture, I found this really awesome recycled rocking thing on greenwala. It always amaze me what people can do with creativity plus a little scrap materials.

Within My Hazy Mind

I am mist hovering among oblivion
With no sense of right and left,
I simply do not now which way to go
Alas, a light, at the end of the road, could that be my true north?
I reached, pushed, kicked, and wiggle my way toward the light
but there on the same spot I remained
Finally I reached my mental limit and stopped struggling altogether
The light is still there, and will always be there, but I stopped caring
But even though I looked the other way, deep down inside I know, it's there where I should be

All Messed Up

Moving to a new place is always exciting. The new surrounding, new people, new walls to stare at; all of which adds the nuevo element that makes life more exciting. However, there's one thing that I absolutely despise when it comes to moving to a new place, and that is: the packing. When you want to move out of a place, unfortunately you cannot avoid the agonizing labor of packing things. Putting all your things inside cardboard boxes is an extremely tedious, time consuming, mood lowering task and i hate it. I truly hate it. And that is the reason why I am now blogging in the middle of one giant mess I call my room where all the items I have are scattered all over.

For My Yoke Is Easy. Is It?

"Lebih berat mana? Satu kilo paku atau satu kilo kapas?"

We hear this trick question this often that we've memorized the question by heart. But when it's the first time for us to hear it; some of us would get the answer right, more would need a few minutes to think, and even more (me included) would confidently give the classic stupid answer: the nails weighs more!!!

In a mass earlier this afternoon, the preacher mentioned this question in his homily. The gospel was taken from tho book of Mathew, and one of the verse (Matthew 11:30) says "for my yoke is easy and my burden is light." The preacher spoke about how hard it is to convince people who are burdened with earthly matters such as illness on how Jesus gives 'light' burden while in reality He gave them illness. (do forgive me Lord/Lady, I don't mean  to speak ill of You)

The preacher than mentioned the previously mentioned question. He said that sometimes the problem does not lie in the God-given-burden, but in the perception of men. (sure! blame it on the imperfect human, like you always do (you as in preachers, not in God)) Most of the times, us humans tend to ovorperceive burdens that God has bestowed upon us. We perceive the burden as the nails and therefore believe that it weighs more than it truly is. This statement makes me wonder of another question. Sure, they both weighs the same, but would you rather a kilo of nails or a kilo of cotton to fall over you? In the head?

Personally, I think one kilo of cotton on the head would feel a lot less painful than a kilo of nail. Than I wonder, maybe that's the problem. It's not the weigh that makes humankind sends angry protest prayers to God. Its the material of choice and method of delivery. Instead of dropping bag of nails onto people's head, He/She should really consider dropping a pillow instead. I bet that would save a lot of churches from losing its flock.

Voices of the Night

Night time always holds its own charm. We fear its mystery, yet we have always been allured by its beauty and splendor. Whenever the lady has covered us with her cloak of darkness, we hide ourselves inside our shelter of sticks and bricks; while secretly, deep down inside, we long to dance around in her sweet embrace underneath her soft glowing, ever-seeing eyes. But tell me the truth. How many of us have really tried?  We create ourselves bright and loud spots to protect ourselves from the evil leashed out by the protection of her darkness, so that somehow we feel secured to spend our times outside our sanctuaries at night. Nightlife; that's the name we have given it. But we all know that is not what we long for. No, we wished to be hugged by her cool and showered by the glistening light of her moon.

Every single night, I leave my window open until I am ready to close my eyes. It is through that window that I heard her whisper for the first time. She spoke in words that no man has ever spoken, but I understood well that she was calling for me. She spoke in a voice so soft and so sweet, you couldn't help but long for her. At first I was scared; for no beings from this world of ours could be so tempting, so inviting. There can only be two explanations for that voice I was hearing. It could be that the voice was merely a fragment of my overly active imagination, or that it was the sounds of eerie ghouls watching me through the darkness, longing to suck the life out of my mortal body. 

Yes, I was scared. And for some time then, I pretended that there were no voices. That it was merely the sound of wind blowing through the branches of oaks right outside. But all those times, I always knew that I was fooling myself. There was no way that a voice so vivacious with a hint of intelligence was the sound of wind. Whatever made these voices is trying to reach out for me, calling me, and this calling is made for me and only me. One day, I could not resist anymore. I had to see her, she who owns this beautiful voice. There was still a trace of doubt in my heart. For no logic could explain the strong encouragement I feel inside to wander around all alone in the dark. So I slipped out through my window and headed for that call.

As I stepped out of my room, I noticed that there was something different with my surroundings. It is as if the place has been illuminated with pure silver light. Everything was so beautiful; and so alive. I continued my journey, for the voices I was hearing originated somewhere inside the forest. As I walked I realized a strange chattering noise all around me and I realized that I was not alone. Every trees and flowers, birds and grass, even rocks were speaking to each other in the language the voice has spoken in. I couldn’t understand the language, but I could feel what it is they were saying to each others. “Look, she’s here. She’s finally here.” That instant, I knew that they were talking about me; and that they knew I was coming. But how could that be? Even I didn’t know that before I finally decided to step out of my window. It was confusing for me. However, I realized something. There was someone, or something, that has been waiting for me for some time. I wasn’t imagining things after all.

I walked further in the forest. Never had I thought that forest in night time would be so beautiful. Every single creature and thing was glistening underneath the pale moonlight.  Out of nowhere, a pathway emerged in front of me. The path was made of smooth white marbles and laced with narcissuses. I was dubious for a second, because I’ve known this forest for so long, yet I never knew such pathway exists, than decided to follow that path. With every single step, the chattering around me grows more clamorous with excitement; I could no more understand what they were saying. But the voice that has been calling me remains steady and clear. I had no doubt where to go.

After what felt like an hour, I finally reached the end of the pathway and found myself in an enchanting clearing. The clearing were mysteriously bright, especially since I didn’t notice any source of light around except the moon. It was as if every flower and rocks there had emitted a soft white glow. The clearing was round in shape, about twenty meters in diameter. In the middle of the clearing lies a natural structure made from wood and flowers shaped in a scepter. On top of it lies a white shiny oval-shaped stone in the size of a grown man fist. As I approach it, I realized that it was not white. I had never seen such beautiful color in my live. As if someone took a rainbow and blend all of its color and locked them inside the stone. Now they all struggling to get out, resulting on the stone’s unique, ever changing color.

As I watched the stone in astonishment, I was startled by the giggling sound behind me. I turned around and realized that the previously empty clearing were now filled with people. Only they are not really people like you and me. They were taller than average human, about 2 meters high, and they were slender and firm. Their skins were extremely fair and glitters as if they were decorated with hundreds of white crystals. Their movements were swift and graceful as a swan. Their hairs were shiny silver and soft as silk. They were by far the most beautiful beings I’ve ever seen. And they were all watching me with amusement.

One of them approached me. I thought it was a man, even though I couldn’t tell if it was female or male, for he was far too fair to be a man yet too gallant to be a woman. He took me by the hand at his consciousness swept over me. He explained that they were the embodiment of everything that exists in the forest. Once every few years, they appeared to exalt the Lady of the Night with a grand feast and that it was the Lady who was calling out to me. For in every feast, one person from the kind of man was invited to celebrate with them and that the Lady has chosen me. After I understood what happened, he took me in his arms and we danced. Everyone was joined in an intricate and picturesque dance. We danced and we feast all night and it felt like we were doing it forever, yet it felt very brief.

As the moon started to set, once again he took me by the hand and said that now is the time to end the feast, for the lady is weary. My heart grew heavy with sorrow, for I know I would never see them again; but he stroked my face and say that they would never be too far away.

When I opened my eyes, I was lying on my garden, right outside my window. The sun is rising and the sky was crimson and beautiful. I felt a strange yearning in my heart for everything was so ordinary. I never knew whether that night was real or was it only a dream, but all I know is that I would forever carry it in my heart. 

From A Woman To Her Man

Who are  you?
What are you doing here?

How can there be a being with such familiarity

that holds so much mystery?

Why is it you know everything about me?

But at the same time don't know a thing?
You always seem to make me smile
Yet constantly, these tears are dripping for you

At times I can read you like an open book

Other times you are nothing but a locked door

I get your every single move

I can't understand any of your words

Everything about you is new
Yet I recognize everything
You're my friend, my brother,
My enemy, my father

With you, I lose control
And you alone can restrain me
When you're here I act like you're away
And when you're not I long to be by your side

What is it that makes me long for you when it's cold outside?
What is it that makes me want to share with you when the sun shines bright?

I can never let you go..
I don't think I want to..
I don't care if I never understand you
All I know is that I wouldn't want no other

Song of The Nine

Let me tell you a story of the muses.

In the spring of Pieries resides the offsprings of Zeus and Mnemosyne. Swift on their feet and sweet on their voice, they praise and praise the Gods and Goddesses with their song and dance. Cleio and Euterpe, Thaleia, Melpomene and Terpsichore, and Erato and Polyhymnia and Urania and Calliope, as they were called; together with the lovely sound of Apollo's lyre they lifts sorrow from one's heart.

Come, oh come, oh men
Sing and dance with us and forget your pain
For our hearts are filled with songs and minds are free from care
One whisper from us would fill your minds with the thrill of epic and tragedy,
the beauty music and history, dance and poetry,
and lets not forget about the wonder of comedy and astronomy

Our melodies tell stories about things that are and there shall be
We sing of Chaos and his shameful deeds

of Aprodhite, Cyntherea, Cyprogenes, Philomedes and Eros
of the immortals: the gods and the beings
those who are beautiful and those who are eerie
and of the gloom fate Titans have brought upon themselves

We spoke of Zeus, he who are mighty and wise
who as driven the Titans away from heavens 
who reigns over the gods and men alike


So join us, join us in feasts and the pleasure of songs
Worry not, oh mortal men
For we,  the holder of the Aegis, the enemy of agony
would blow maladies of your wounds
leaving you with nothing but joy in your hearts and smile on your face

Bertel Thorvaldsen: Apollo and the Muses, Alte Nationalgalerie, Berlin
picture taken from here

Mockingbird's Nocturne

Hush little baby don't say a word
Mamma's gonna buy you a mockingbird

My whole body ache and I feel acid in my stomach slowly seeping. Hurting me on its way. I think I already had enough of this day. There's only one more thing to do on nene. I'll just finish it then lay myself down.

And if that mockingbird won't sing
Mamma's gonna buy you a diamond ring

Whoa, that one more thing led to another and another and another. I wonder how late this is? Hmm.. I'm sure it's not that late. Maybe I still have time to check how's my sims' doing. I would only do it for half an hour max.

If that diamond ring turns brass
Mamma's gonna buy you a looking glass

Before I realize it, I no longer hear music playing from dedy's computer; nor met chatting with puput. That's unusual. Ah, they're probably working on one of their college assignment. Wonder why their proffessors seems to enjoy pushing their students to their limits..

If that looking glass gets broke
Mamma's gonna buy you a billy goat

As always, nothing significant happens to my friends. Nindy with another of her wild fantasies, Abang gets another item for his mafia, Ika posts another quotation from wisdomquotes.com, Vibhi uploads a new pic. Nothing interesting. But let me check the live feed once more just to be sure.

If that billy goat won't pull
Mamma's gonna buy you a cart and bull

Gosh, what's wrong with TV network in this country?! I wonder would people watch family members curse each other on TV if they have options. I really miss the 90s where there's Quantum Leap and Remington Steele. Oh well, I guess I'm just going to have to bear with this shit. Hey! The wife just fainted on TV! What a drama..

If that cart and bull turns over
Mamma's gonna buy you a dog named rover

Finally! something worth watching. I'm curious, whether the guest star would be Dr. Oz, Suzie Orman, or Bob Greene. They never seem to run out of topics. Oh, wow! A blue man! Oooh, this is gonna be good.

If that dog named rover don't bark
Mamma's gonna buy you a horse and cart

Why do I hear the prayers? Is it dawn already? Gosh, even the cocks are yodeling. Well, I guess it really is dawn. Oh brother, I really need to get some rest. Before long the guys would wake up and it would be too noisy for me to sleep.

And if that horse and cart falls down
You'd still be the sweetest little baby in town

Everything is off now. And I'm lying flat in my bed. As usual, my eyes won't cooperate with me. It seems like they ignore the fact that all my power is drained and I need to close them for a while. Hhh.. I wonder would I be able to wake up early today..