Ugly Duckling

Ever since I'm quite young, I always feel like I'm the odd one out. I never feel like I really clicked with any group. Even when I share some interest with a particular group, there's always something that makes me different and makes me unable to completely feel at home. No matter how I enjoy my preferences, there's always voices that were (and are) questioning my preference. There are always the 'why on earth' remarks thrown at me.

I'm just going to dance my way
through life like Luthien in the
forest of Neldoreth

It takes me a while to understand that sometimes people question something because they really did not understand. It's not about being mean or not accepting the way I am. They just did not get it. Even when I have realized that, it took me even longer to understand that I don't owe anybody an explanation. That I can be comfortable with people, even when they don't understand my choices. And even when I have realized that, it still feels like a struggle sometimes; but as someone says, people who matter don't mind and those who mind don't matter.

People have a right to feel whatever they feel, and up to some point convey it to other. However, I also have the right to like whatever I like and do whatever I enjoy; and most important to feel good doing it. This is me, with all my contradictions and inconsistencies (preference-wise). You can either love me or hate me, but I will continue being the way I am and progressing at my own pace. I am thankful for those of you who can accept me the way I am and make me feel accepted the way I am and all y'all haters can simply suck it.

XOXO

A Spike of Pain

You know how some nights, more than the others, you just feel like bursting into tears? It's one of those nights when you feel that your head is so full of crap it could explode at any moment and your heart is overwhelmed with loads that you cannot seem to get rid from your chest. Those nights happen to me every once in a while. However hard I avoid them, as long as there's something wrong in my life, they always manage to find a way in.

I had so much planned for my life. Get a job and be damned good with it, make good money, travel to exotic places, have my own house and master the ability to maintain it, get married, paid a trip to a cool place for my mum and dad, raise a wonderful child or two and overall have a great life. Among other things. Instead, my life gets stuck in a self-inflicted stand-still.

Yes, a near perfect stand-still. I realized that even though the world keeps on spinning around I'm just wallowing in my little world; and I'm not sure whether I want it to be over. If I do, than why on earth didn't I force myself hard enough to make a move and end the situation? If I don't, then why the hell do I feel dying inside? To tell you the truth, I'm sick of this situation, but I constantly fail to put things back on the right track; and it kills me inside.

I need help; and despite all of those people who love and support me, I just don't know how I could get it. So for tonight, I'm just going to cry my heart out, because I know that at the very least, God will hear me and be here with me as I cries.

Crash! Boom! Bang!

When catastrophe hits, for a split seconds in live time seemed to flow slowly and fast at the same time. By the moment you realize that something's very wrong and your heart is screaming for you to get away, while at the same time your brain whispers that it's too late. And you know that it is true. It is simply to late and there is only one way to go and you must go through it; and then you did.

And then it struck. You started to see everything in flashes. You knew that it was going to hurt but you pray so hard for the pain not to be as bad as you imagined it to be. Then you started to not worry about the pain you'll feel and start panicking. When would this ordeal be over? This kind of things should have not take more than a few seconds, right? So why hasn't this over yet? You started screaming in your heart for it to be over. And the terror is just heartbreaking.

The ordeal finally stopped. You lift yourself up and thanking God for being able to do so. But when you look around, you realize that it's not just you. You tried so damn hard to lend a hand and help but it frustrated you that you don't have enough power to do so. You became infuriated at yourself for having to ask for help and not finish everything yourself. All you can do is do the best you can and pray that everything falls perfectly into places.

After everything is done, and you realize that everything will be okay. You can only feel a giant wave of relief and gratitude for everything that have been done; and how everything was going. And you no longer care about anything else.

Firework imagery from here. Please do not use without credits.

Rock-a-bye-sesshy

As a child, I've always wanted a rocking horse. Nothing too fancy, just a plain and simple wooden horse that is painted with bright color colors. But for some reasons, I never got to have a rocking horse. It's not that my family cannot afford it, it's just that we were always to busy doing other things, so buying a rocking horse for me was never an agenda. Which is fine, because without it my childhood were already filled with lots of happy memories.

But recently, when I went back home, there it was, a nice plastic rocking horse that is equipped with four fold-able wheels so that, other than rocking back and forth, it can also be pushed and pulled around. Other than that, that little thing can also play various music and blinks accordingly. Something I couldn't even imagine in my younger days. It was my niece's. Seeing that little horsie got me thinking of how simple a child's wish is. For me, it was a rocking horse, for my cousin it was cutlery toys, for others it was million other simple things. However, I notice that whatever and however simple it was, it is always the things that we didn't get to have that got stuck in our minds as we grow older.

A very cool rocking vespa I found here

As I was googling for a rocking horse picture, I found this really awesome recycled rocking thing on greenwala. It always amaze me what people can do with creativity plus a little scrap materials.

Cycling Frenzy

"I'm spinning around, move outta my way, I know you're feeling me 'cos you like it like this.."

This is the song I keep on repeating over and over again when I learn how to cycle earlier this day. With emphasis on "move outta my way." Yes, move outta my way, all you fellow cyclist and pedestrian in Monas area, because Miss Catastrophe is coming through. You'd better stand aside if you don't want to get hit by a girl on a white folding bike. XD

Clipart from here 

My Life with the Other Two

Three Fates by Mystic Unicorn
Picture taken from here. Please do not use without credits.

Love-hate relationships. All you girls out there who has sisters must know what I mean. You love them so much unconditionally no matter what, but you simply can't stand them and the things they do. Just like the fates that spends all eternity together quarelling over a seer's eyes. Me, I have two older sisters and even though their so nice and all, somethimes they can make my life a living hell, especially when they don't mean to.

My oldest sister is a really sweet girl. If you ever have to spend time with her, I'm sure you'll like her in an instant. She has a way with people that my antisocial self would never understand. And even though she refuse to believe it, everybody knows that she's mommy's golden child. To sum it up, she's perfect in many ways (except of course for the ones which she's not). What bugs me is that her logic doesn't match mine. In many times, when dealing with important substantial things, she would let her feelings rule over her; and it kills me everytime I see her running down the path that I know would devastate her. One other thing that frustrate me is her passiveness. She seldom take initiative and won't stop people for taking initiatives for her.

My second one is a badass chick. She's extremely smart and would never hesitate to show that. I truly admire her confidence and assertiveness. Especially because I could be very timid and easily intimidated. But, to tell you the truth, she could be such a snob. Even though she doesn't mean to, I feel constantly attacked by her criticism. When she says something about me, she always manage to make me feel inferior and sometimes worthless.Other than her arogance, I also despise how she would critic the things I do and go on doing the exact same thing.

I'm not saying I am perfect. I have even more flaws than they do, this I know for a fact. However, although I realize that I'm equally annoying, I cannot help to stop feeling the way I feel toward them. One thing's for sure, even though I constantly feel the urge to slap them, if anyone ever does anything mean to them, I would be the first to stand up for them; and I know that they would do the same thing for me. And like the three fates, even though the other two are pain in the ass, I have no choice but to spend all eternity with them. You know what they say, when life give you lemons, make lemonade (however great the urge to drop the lemon juice to others eyes).

First Step

hari ini hidup terus berjalan ke depan
tinggalkan lamunan dan kesepian
menghirup nafas-nafas penghabisan 

~penggalan dari "Hari Ini Dan Esok Dalam Hidup," Prasetya Modana


Even though I realize that every single time I spent wandering around neverland means more time wasted, somehow I still failed to force myself to move forward. The world doesn't care about me. It would revolve at the same velocity no matter how hard I try to ignore that fact. All of a sudden I'm left behind, all alone. It's not anybody's fault. I know they have tried to back me up, best as they could. But the time has come for them to move forward, and I rejoice with them every step of the way.

There's one thing I recently realized: my goal never moved an inch. It stays exactly where I first put them. The problem is, I never moved an inch either. I never try to reduce the distance between us. And when everyone has reached that goal of theirs, it's remains out of my reach.

For what has happenned, I have no regrets; but I also realize that everything that has happened to me is merely the fruit of my own wrongdoings and it's up to me to make it right. Must move now! There's no more time to waste!