La Mia Ombra

You caught up with me tonight.

I always knew you have never left. You were always there. Two steps behind me. Watching. Silently waiting for that one moment of weakness where I would let you in. That one moment where I cannot resist your touch. That one moment where I would surrender to your cold embrace. I just could not believe that you would strike tonight.

I survived a lot. Did you know that? Of course you did. You were there through the ups and downs and the seemingly endless roundarounds. But I don't get why didn't you move then. When I lost, and lost, and lost again. Why did you stand idle then?

It's amazing how much pain you let me conquer, only to enter my life over a small insignificant thing. That's diabolical, you know? Even for you.

I have prepared for this reunion ever since I managed to put you at bay. I thought I was ready. I truly do. I guess I just forgot how viscous the darkness that you bring. How easy it is to fall under your spell.

You are an undeniable part of me. I know. I cannot do anything to vanquish you. But tell me, what would it take for me to move two steps ahead once again?

Crossroads

We walk hand in hand with others through this journey we call life. At any point of my life, there's always somebody holding my hand, or at least hovering nearby as I went on in my passage. No matter how comfortable the person's presence is, inevitably we will reach that fork on the road. One that would force each of us to choose whether we would go on together, of should we bid farewell to each other. Most of the times, we are bound to let go.

See you at the crossroad

There was this boy I spent my childhood with. He lived nearby. We spent almost everyday together. We played the same games and shared the same laughs. We grew apart as I started school. He went to school in his hometown. I met him a couple of times ago, pushing the snack cart on the side of the road. We exchanged stories. Briefly reminisce of a time long passed. He is still the same warm, kind soul I knew years ago.

There was this girl whom I went to elementary school with. I spent so many times in her house. We were so close at that time. We go to the same church, but I was never the devout type. Not even as a child. She is the exact opposite of me, religious-wise. We don't actually communicate other than briefly exchange comments on Facebook and occasional hellos during the rare times I go to my church. During these times, I would watch her as she reads passages of the bible on the podium, while I try to maintain sufficient level of concentration.

A guy that sells tickets for the commuter train recognised me one day. I barely recognised him, but we went to junior high together. We were never that close, but he was smarter than me in school, academically. He was my ex's best friend at that time. We exchanged smile, but directly went on our ways. You see, I have a train to catch and people were queuing behind me.

Speaking of exes, there was this guy I dated briefly in senior high. We have different religions, and apparently that's a big thing for Indonesian parents. Throughout the years, we meet several times. Exchanged stories and looking for each other's advice. He's married to one of my best friend in tenth grade (whom I suspect dislikes me from the way she interacts with me. I never figure out why). They have one child, and I no longer communicate with him. Save for some innocent comments on Facebook.

In college, I met this amazing girl. She is very smart, critical, diligent, friendly, and seem to have zero bad thoughts. I was comfortable with her as friend, and enjoy our discussions. She went back to her hometown a couple of years ago. And now, I saw her sharing posts that I find doesn't make sense on Facebook. I still have high respect for her, but I think our values and believes are already so far apart.

Because happiness needs
no explanations

It's amazing how one different turn can lead you to a very different path. At one point of life, I was in the same state with the aforementioned. Now, we are so far apart. Some people whom I said goodbye to came back to my life as if nothing have changed, but that do not happen a lot. No matter how different we are now, I sincerely hope the good persons that has been in my life are happy with their current conditions,  as I am now.

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* Crossroad picture taken from this site.
** Happy monks picture by Mollycules from Buddha Doodles.

Cool Kids

"I wish that I could be like the cool kids,
'Cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in."
~Ecosmith - Cool Kids

I was an outlier. Growing up, I never feel the need to be the cool kids. It's not that I hate cool kids. Most of them are actually pretty cool. It's just that their life was not mine. And I never intended it to be. I think it's nice to be an outlier. While the cool kids were trying to fit in, I was content with my manga and collection of ash. (Yes, I collected ashes back in the days. I would burn things and saw the different forms of ash they would make. That was how creepy I was. Don't worry. None of the things I burned were alive.)

I hated people. Especially when they are in groups. Making friends was not something that comes natural to me. I had some friends, and most of them were as quirky as I was. Still are. I had always been uncomfortable in social situation. I think the first time I ever really feel not awkward among a lot of people was after I have a job. Somehow being a 'professional' really helped me find the confidence to talk to people and mingle with bunches of them. I guess it's true that access to capital could make a person be empowered.

Reminiscing on how I was, and seeing the way that I am now, I realised that much have changed. And let me just say that I just love the way that I am now. I think I am comfortable in my own skin. More than I ever was. And I enjoy this transformation. I like to see it as me embarking on a journey to find myself. So far, I like what I have found.

Get it? Got it? Good!

Unfortunately, as always, society finds a way to disrupt your happiness. A couple of days ago someone I know said to me, "You look better lately. More marketable." Let me just first say that this is just an awful thing to say to anyone. Human beings are not commodities. At least not on that sense. People (at least I) do not go through personal transformation because they are looking for a market to sell themselves in. No. Personally, I did it for me and myself only. I don't see why it is really difficult for society to understand.

Yes I have changed. Physically and mentally. And I know that the changes manifested themselves visually. But the thing is, I am still the same me. The same person people ignored just a few months ago. And I don't see why people would judge me differently. But I can feel that they do.

I love my current self. More than I have ever loved myself previously. But there are times, such as tonight, when I just miss that little skinny girl that everyone ignored. She did not have to face people's screwed appreciation. She did not have to worry about being nice to other, because she knew people who were nice to her has no ulterior motives; and the people who were not nice to her simply does not matter. She could simply dance through life without people even noticing. And tonight, just tonight, I would give everything to feel a glimpse of that blissful ignorance again.