Jack, and Series of Fortunate Events

Fee-fi-fo-fum!

I smell the blood of an Englishman,

Be he alive, or be he dead,

I'll have his bones to grind my bread.

~Joseph Jacobs (1890). English Fairy Tales.

I have to give it to Hollywood. They have a way of adding a hint of heroism to an otherwise sad story. First, let me just say that Jack and the Beanstalk is one of the most annoying folklore for me (among many others, of course). Here you have a protagonist with heads in the clouds; which is actually fine if that means he has big dream and works hard in accomplishing it, despite people's criticism. No. Instead Jack went to the market and traded his mule for a heap of beans from a shady person. Somehow, by a miraculous turn of events, the beans allowed him to steal riches from a giant living high up in the clouds. Not only once, but three times. I can't say that I blame the giant for wanting to cook Jack. I don't know about you, but personally, I hate to teach my kids that you can just daydream all your life and trust the first suspicious person with your whole belongings. That's just stupid.

What's a Knight without a kick ass title?

Now, about the movie. Instead of Jack the Kleptomaniac, Warner Brothers thought that it would be better to turn Jack as a distant cousin of Buffy. Smart move. After all, a war hero is a better role model than a pragmatic thief. That is, unless you're a devoted pacifist. In the movie, Jack is not as stupid as the one in the folktale. This Jack, although easily distracted, is actually valiant. He did not intentionally traded his riches with some suspicious beans. In my opinion, he was mugged by that monk. He also did not intentionally (and stupidly) planted the cursed beans. Instead, he's a victim of the circumstances. This fact makes it easier for me to root for him almost throughout the movie.

So the beans somehow got wet and created magical bridge to land of the giants. Kinda reminds me of this series I watched as a little kid. One thing I consider strange is that the beanstalk somehow reached the edge of Gantua, just beside the perfectly carved sewer system that the Princess and her savior could just climb undetected. How convenient. I can't help to wonder, though, does this mean that rain on earth is actually giant's pee?

After reaching Gantua; Jack, Elmont, and Crawe immediately encountered a giant (Fee, if I'm not mistaken) that decided to turn our beloved Shaun into his afternoon snack. Unlucky for Crawe and Elmont, giants have kick ass sense of smell. They are captured and taken to the general of the giants who, despite having additional retarded head, is the cutest of the pack. General Fallon's good look and nice sounding name (compare it with Fee, Fye, Foe, and Fumm) makes me suspect that he was half human, from his mother side.

Thank God little Timmy survived.

To make a long story short, the rescue party discovered that there are a traitor amongst them that were trying to use the giants to his own advantage, thereon start a fight for the survival of mankind. Because stupidly, Roderick the traitor left the beans for the giants to use in their hunt for human flesh. After a dramatic war that is actually rather impossible, because there's no way an army of human can match an army of giants (who, surprisingly are quite eloquent in arts of war) by strength alone; Jack managed to retrieve the magical crown that binds all giants under its bearer's command and commanded the giants to return their homeland.

Now here's where I stopped rooting for Jack. Instead of presenting the crown to the king and be rewarded with heaps of gold and be knighted, as a loyal subject of a kingdom would, he decided to wear this crown himself and take the hand of the princess. Talk about guts! If I was the king I'd have him beheaded once the giants are back up in the clouds and the bridge between worlds has been severed. But, since this is a PG-13 movie, I don't think killing a person just because is not really an acceptable act of a wise king. Instead, the war was won with only minor casualties, and everybody's happy with Jack marrying Isabelle. And not to worry for future threat of giants returning to Earth. Her Majesty the Queen Elisabeth II still keeps the secret weapon that will protect us all in the tower of London. 

*Jack and the Giant Slayer Logo courtesy of Warner Brothers; Picture of little Timmy was taken from this blog.