You know how some nights, more than the others, you just feel like bursting into tears? It's one of those nights when you feel that your head is so full of crap it could explode at any moment and your heart is overwhelmed with loads that you cannot seem to get rid from your chest. Those nights happen to me every once in a while. However hard I avoid them, as long as there's something wrong in my life, they always manage to find a way in.
I had so much planned for my life. Get a job and be damned good with it, make good money, travel to exotic places, have my own house and master the ability to maintain it, get married, paid a trip to a cool place for my mum and dad, raise a wonderful child or two and overall have a great life. Among other things. Instead, my life gets stuck in a self-inflicted stand-still.
Yes, a near perfect stand-still. I realized that even though the world keeps on spinning around I'm just wallowing in my little world; and I'm not sure whether I want it to be over. If I do, than why on earth didn't I force myself hard enough to make a move and end the situation? If I don't, then why the hell do I feel dying inside? To tell you the truth, I'm sick of this situation, but I constantly fail to put things back on the right track; and it kills me inside.
I need help; and despite all of those people who love and support me, I just don't know how I could get it. So for tonight, I'm just going to cry my heart out, because I know that at the very least, God will hear me and be here with me as I cries.
August 21, 2011
August 19, 2011
Journey
Swim away little fish
Bring our love and prayers
As you glide out to the open sea
However strong the current may be
Keep one thing in mind
To always be happy and free
The water may be cold,
The weather may not be clear,
But the loving mother will guide your way
So you don't have nothing to fear
Embrace the moment
All the hopes and fear
For they may become your strength
The thing that keeps you here
Swim away little fish
Until your path is fulfilled
Bring our love and prayers
As you glide out to the open sea
However strong the current may be
Keep one thing in mind
To always be happy and free
The water may be cold,
The weather may not be clear,
But the loving mother will guide your way
So you don't have nothing to fear
Embrace the moment
All the hopes and fear
For they may become your strength
The thing that keeps you here
Swim away little fish
Until your path is fulfilled
August 13, 2011
Crash! Boom! Bang!
When catastrophe hits, for a split seconds in live time seemed to flow slowly and fast at the same time. By the moment you realize that something's very wrong and your heart is screaming for you to get away, while at the same time your brain whispers that it's too late. And you know that it is true. It is simply to late and there is only one way to go and you must go through it; and then you did.
And then it struck. You started to see everything in flashes. You knew that it was going to hurt but you pray so hard for the pain not to be as bad as you imagined it to be. Then you started to not worry about the pain you'll feel and start panicking. When would this ordeal be over? This kind of things should have not take more than a few seconds, right? So why hasn't this over yet? You started screaming in your heart for it to be over. And the terror is just heartbreaking.
The ordeal finally stopped. You lift yourself up and thanking God for being able to do so. But when you look around, you realize that it's not just you. You tried so damn hard to lend a hand and help but it frustrated you that you don't have enough power to do so. You became infuriated at yourself for having to ask for help and not finish everything yourself. All you can do is do the best you can and pray that everything falls perfectly into places.
After everything is done, and you realize that everything will be okay. You can only feel a giant wave of relief and gratitude for everything that have been done; and how everything was going. And you no longer care about anything else.
Firework imagery from here. Please do not use without credits.
And then it struck. You started to see everything in flashes. You knew that it was going to hurt but you pray so hard for the pain not to be as bad as you imagined it to be. Then you started to not worry about the pain you'll feel and start panicking. When would this ordeal be over? This kind of things should have not take more than a few seconds, right? So why hasn't this over yet? You started screaming in your heart for it to be over. And the terror is just heartbreaking.
The ordeal finally stopped. You lift yourself up and thanking God for being able to do so. But when you look around, you realize that it's not just you. You tried so damn hard to lend a hand and help but it frustrated you that you don't have enough power to do so. You became infuriated at yourself for having to ask for help and not finish everything yourself. All you can do is do the best you can and pray that everything falls perfectly into places.
After everything is done, and you realize that everything will be okay. You can only feel a giant wave of relief and gratitude for everything that have been done; and how everything was going. And you no longer care about anything else.
Firework imagery from here. Please do not use without credits.
August 04, 2011
Patience is a virtue
The most obnoxious thing that Indonesian people have to go through every single day is struggling for a decent internet connection. I don't know whether people in other parts of the globe have similar problems but every single time we decide to connect to the world wide web, more often than not, we experience speed issue. And I notice that the phenomenon gets more frustrating whenever we desperately need to connect to the internet, i.e.: when we need to send our reports or reply some very important e-mails.
This is one of those days where struggling with connection frustrates me. I am used to using a CDMA wireless connection, but I recently obtain this fancy mo-fi GSM modem from my daddy-o private stash, so I go and buy myself a GSM card that is preloaded with 2 gigabytes of data bandwith in the hope of being able to surf and turf cooler and faster. So far, I haven't got the result I want, but lets pray that this slowness happens due to bad weather (which I know for a fact is a lie because the sky is radiating with starlight tonight).
This is one of those days where struggling with connection frustrates me. I am used to using a CDMA wireless connection, but I recently obtain this fancy mo-fi GSM modem from my daddy-o private stash, so I go and buy myself a GSM card that is preloaded with 2 gigabytes of data bandwith in the hope of being able to surf and turf cooler and faster. So far, I haven't got the result I want, but lets pray that this slowness happens due to bad weather (which I know for a fact is a lie because the sky is radiating with starlight tonight).
August 01, 2011
Rock-a-bye-sesshy
As a child, I've always wanted a rocking horse. Nothing too fancy, just a plain and simple wooden horse that is painted with bright color colors. But for some reasons, I never got to have a rocking horse. It's not that my family cannot afford it, it's just that we were always to busy doing other things, so buying a rocking horse for me was never an agenda. Which is fine, because without it my childhood were already filled with lots of happy memories.
But recently, when I went back home, there it was, a nice plastic rocking horse that is equipped with four fold-able wheels so that, other than rocking back and forth, it can also be pushed and pulled around. Other than that, that little thing can also play various music and blinks accordingly. Something I couldn't even imagine in my younger days. It was my niece's. Seeing that little horsie got me thinking of how simple a child's wish is. For me, it was a rocking horse, for my cousin it was cutlery toys, for others it was million other simple things. However, I notice that whatever and however simple it was, it is always the things that we didn't get to have that got stuck in our minds as we grow older.
As I was googling for a rocking horse picture, I found this really awesome recycled rocking thing on greenwala. It always amaze me what people can do with creativity plus a little scrap materials.
But recently, when I went back home, there it was, a nice plastic rocking horse that is equipped with four fold-able wheels so that, other than rocking back and forth, it can also be pushed and pulled around. Other than that, that little thing can also play various music and blinks accordingly. Something I couldn't even imagine in my younger days. It was my niece's. Seeing that little horsie got me thinking of how simple a child's wish is. For me, it was a rocking horse, for my cousin it was cutlery toys, for others it was million other simple things. However, I notice that whatever and however simple it was, it is always the things that we didn't get to have that got stuck in our minds as we grow older.
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| A very cool rocking vespa I found here |
As I was googling for a rocking horse picture, I found this really awesome recycled rocking thing on greenwala. It always amaze me what people can do with creativity plus a little scrap materials.
July 31, 2011
Cycling Frenzy
This is the song I keep on repeating over and over again when I learn how to cycle earlier this day. With emphasis on "move outta my way." Yes, move outta my way, all you fellow cyclist and pedestrian in Monas area, because Miss Catastrophe is coming through. You'd better stand aside if you don't want to get hit by a girl on a white folding bike. XD
Clipart from here
July 29, 2011
Within My Hazy Mind
I am mist hovering among oblivion
With no sense of right and left,
I simply do not now which way to go
Alas, a light, at the end of the road, could that be my true north?
I reached, pushed, kicked, and wiggle my way toward the light
but there on the same spot I remained
Finally I reached my mental limit and stopped struggling altogether
The light is still there, and will always be there, but I stopped caring
But even though I looked the other way, deep down inside I know, it's there where I should be
With no sense of right and left,
I simply do not now which way to go
Alas, a light, at the end of the road, could that be my true north?
I reached, pushed, kicked, and wiggle my way toward the light
but there on the same spot I remained
Finally I reached my mental limit and stopped struggling altogether
The light is still there, and will always be there, but I stopped caring
But even though I looked the other way, deep down inside I know, it's there where I should be
July 28, 2011
My Life with the Other Two
Picture taken from here. Please do not use without credits.
Love-hate relationships. All you girls out there who has sisters must know what I mean. You love them so much unconditionally no matter what, but you simply can't stand them and the things they do. Just like the fates that spends all eternity together quarelling over a seer's eyes. Me, I have two older sisters and even though their so nice and all, somethimes they can make my life a living hell, especially when they don't mean to.
My oldest sister is a really sweet girl. If you ever have to spend time with her, I'm sure you'll like her in an instant. She has a way with people that my antisocial self would never understand. And even though she refuse to believe it, everybody knows that she's mommy's golden child. To sum it up, she's perfect in many ways (except of course for the ones which she's not). What bugs me is that her logic doesn't match mine. In many times, when dealing with important substantial things, she would let her feelings rule over her; and it kills me everytime I see her running down the path that I know would devastate her. One other thing that frustrate me is her passiveness. She seldom take initiative and won't stop people for taking initiatives for her.
My second one is a badass chick. She's extremely smart and would never hesitate to show that. I truly admire her confidence and assertiveness. Especially because I could be very timid and easily intimidated. But, to tell you the truth, she could be such a snob. Even though she doesn't mean to, I feel constantly attacked by her criticism. When she says something about me, she always manage to make me feel inferior and sometimes worthless.Other than her arogance, I also despise how she would critic the things I do and go on doing the exact same thing.
I'm not saying I am perfect. I have even more flaws than they do, this I know for a fact. However, although I realize that I'm equally annoying, I cannot help to stop feeling the way I feel toward them. One thing's for sure, even though I constantly feel the urge to slap them, if anyone ever does anything mean to them, I would be the first to stand up for them; and I know that they would do the same thing for me. And like the three fates, even though the other two are pain in the ass, I have no choice but to spend all eternity with them. You know what they say, when life give you lemons, make lemonade (however great the urge to drop the lemon juice to others eyes).
July 13, 2011
All Messed Up
Moving to a new place is always exciting. The new surrounding, new people, new walls to stare at; all of which adds the nuevo element that makes life more exciting. However, there's one thing that I absolutely despise when it comes to moving to a new place, and that is: the packing. When you want to move out of a place, unfortunately you cannot avoid the agonizing labor of packing things. Putting all your things inside cardboard boxes is an extremely tedious, time consuming, mood lowering task and i hate it. I truly hate it. And that is the reason why I am now blogging in the middle of one giant mess I call my room where all the items I have are scattered all over.
July 03, 2011
For My Yoke Is Easy. Is It?
"Lebih berat mana? Satu kilo paku atau satu kilo kapas?"
We hear this trick question this often that we've memorized the question by heart. But when it's the first time for us to hear it; some of us would get the answer right, more would need a few minutes to think, and even more (me included) would confidently give the classic stupid answer: the nails weighs more!!!
In a mass earlier this afternoon, the preacher mentioned this question in his homily. The gospel was taken from tho book of Mathew, and one of the verse (Matthew 11:30) says "for my yoke is easy and my burden is light." The preacher spoke about how hard it is to convince people who are burdened with earthly matters such as illness on how Jesus gives 'light' burden while in reality He gave them illness. (do forgive me Lord/Lady, I don't mean to speak ill of You)
The preacher than mentioned the previously mentioned question. He said that sometimes the problem does not lie in the God-given-burden, but in the perception of men. (sure! blame it on the imperfect human, like you always do (you as in preachers, not in God)) Most of the times, us humans tend to ovorperceive burdens that God has bestowed upon us. We perceive the burden as the nails and therefore believe that it weighs more than it truly is. This statement makes me wonder of another question. Sure, they both weighs the same, but would you rather a kilo of nails or a kilo of cotton to fall over you? In the head?
Personally, I think one kilo of cotton on the head would feel a lot less painful than a kilo of nail. Than I wonder, maybe that's the problem. It's not the weigh that makes humankind sends angry protest prayers to God. Its the material of choice and method of delivery. Instead of dropping bag of nails onto people's head, He/She should really consider dropping a pillow instead. I bet that would save a lot of churches from losing its flock.
We hear this trick question this often that we've memorized the question by heart. But when it's the first time for us to hear it; some of us would get the answer right, more would need a few minutes to think, and even more (me included) would confidently give the classic stupid answer: the nails weighs more!!!
In a mass earlier this afternoon, the preacher mentioned this question in his homily. The gospel was taken from tho book of Mathew, and one of the verse (Matthew 11:30) says "for my yoke is easy and my burden is light." The preacher spoke about how hard it is to convince people who are burdened with earthly matters such as illness on how Jesus gives 'light' burden while in reality He gave them illness. (do forgive me Lord/Lady, I don't mean to speak ill of You)
The preacher than mentioned the previously mentioned question. He said that sometimes the problem does not lie in the God-given-burden, but in the perception of men. (sure! blame it on the imperfect human, like you always do (you as in preachers, not in God)) Most of the times, us humans tend to ovorperceive burdens that God has bestowed upon us. We perceive the burden as the nails and therefore believe that it weighs more than it truly is. This statement makes me wonder of another question. Sure, they both weighs the same, but would you rather a kilo of nails or a kilo of cotton to fall over you? In the head?
Personally, I think one kilo of cotton on the head would feel a lot less painful than a kilo of nail. Than I wonder, maybe that's the problem. It's not the weigh that makes humankind sends angry protest prayers to God. Its the material of choice and method of delivery. Instead of dropping bag of nails onto people's head, He/She should really consider dropping a pillow instead. I bet that would save a lot of churches from losing its flock.
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