You know how some nights, more than the others, you just feel like bursting into tears? It's one of those nights when you feel that your head is so full of crap it could explode at any moment and your heart is overwhelmed with loads that you cannot seem to get rid from your chest. Those nights happen to me every once in a while. However hard I avoid them, as long as there's something wrong in my life, they always manage to find a way in.
I had so much planned for my life. Get a job and be damned good with it, make good money, travel to exotic places, have my own house and master the ability to maintain it, get married, paid a trip to a cool place for my mum and dad, raise a wonderful child or two and overall have a great life. Among other things. Instead, my life gets stuck in a self-inflicted stand-still.
Yes, a near perfect stand-still. I realized that even though the world keeps on spinning around I'm just wallowing in my little world; and I'm not sure whether I want it to be over. If I do, than why on earth didn't I force myself hard enough to make a move and end the situation? If I don't, then why the hell do I feel dying inside? To tell you the truth, I'm sick of this situation, but I constantly fail to put things back on the right track; and it kills me inside.
I need help; and despite all of those people who love and support me, I just don't know how I could get it. So for tonight, I'm just going to cry my heart out, because I know that at the very least, God will hear me and be here with me as I cries.
August 21, 2011
August 19, 2011
Journey
Swim away little fish
Bring our love and prayers
As you glide out to the open sea
However strong the current may be
Keep one thing in mind
To always be happy and free
The water may be cold,
The weather may not be clear,
But the loving mother will guide your way
So you don't have nothing to fear
Embrace the moment
All the hopes and fear
For they may become your strength
The thing that keeps you here
Swim away little fish
Until your path is fulfilled
Bring our love and prayers
As you glide out to the open sea
However strong the current may be
Keep one thing in mind
To always be happy and free
The water may be cold,
The weather may not be clear,
But the loving mother will guide your way
So you don't have nothing to fear
Embrace the moment
All the hopes and fear
For they may become your strength
The thing that keeps you here
Swim away little fish
Until your path is fulfilled
August 13, 2011
Crash! Boom! Bang!
When catastrophe hits, for a split seconds in live time seemed to flow slowly and fast at the same time. By the moment you realize that something's very wrong and your heart is screaming for you to get away, while at the same time your brain whispers that it's too late. And you know that it is true. It is simply to late and there is only one way to go and you must go through it; and then you did.
And then it struck. You started to see everything in flashes. You knew that it was going to hurt but you pray so hard for the pain not to be as bad as you imagined it to be. Then you started to not worry about the pain you'll feel and start panicking. When would this ordeal be over? This kind of things should have not take more than a few seconds, right? So why hasn't this over yet? You started screaming in your heart for it to be over. And the terror is just heartbreaking.
The ordeal finally stopped. You lift yourself up and thanking God for being able to do so. But when you look around, you realize that it's not just you. You tried so damn hard to lend a hand and help but it frustrated you that you don't have enough power to do so. You became infuriated at yourself for having to ask for help and not finish everything yourself. All you can do is do the best you can and pray that everything falls perfectly into places.
After everything is done, and you realize that everything will be okay. You can only feel a giant wave of relief and gratitude for everything that have been done; and how everything was going. And you no longer care about anything else.
Firework imagery from here. Please do not use without credits.
And then it struck. You started to see everything in flashes. You knew that it was going to hurt but you pray so hard for the pain not to be as bad as you imagined it to be. Then you started to not worry about the pain you'll feel and start panicking. When would this ordeal be over? This kind of things should have not take more than a few seconds, right? So why hasn't this over yet? You started screaming in your heart for it to be over. And the terror is just heartbreaking.
The ordeal finally stopped. You lift yourself up and thanking God for being able to do so. But when you look around, you realize that it's not just you. You tried so damn hard to lend a hand and help but it frustrated you that you don't have enough power to do so. You became infuriated at yourself for having to ask for help and not finish everything yourself. All you can do is do the best you can and pray that everything falls perfectly into places.
After everything is done, and you realize that everything will be okay. You can only feel a giant wave of relief and gratitude for everything that have been done; and how everything was going. And you no longer care about anything else.
Firework imagery from here. Please do not use without credits.
August 04, 2011
Patience is a virtue
The most obnoxious thing that Indonesian people have to go through every single day is struggling for a decent internet connection. I don't know whether people in other parts of the globe have similar problems but every single time we decide to connect to the world wide web, more often than not, we experience speed issue. And I notice that the phenomenon gets more frustrating whenever we desperately need to connect to the internet, i.e.: when we need to send our reports or reply some very important e-mails.
This is one of those days where struggling with connection frustrates me. I am used to using a CDMA wireless connection, but I recently obtain this fancy mo-fi GSM modem from my daddy-o private stash, so I go and buy myself a GSM card that is preloaded with 2 gigabytes of data bandwith in the hope of being able to surf and turf cooler and faster. So far, I haven't got the result I want, but lets pray that this slowness happens due to bad weather (which I know for a fact is a lie because the sky is radiating with starlight tonight).
This is one of those days where struggling with connection frustrates me. I am used to using a CDMA wireless connection, but I recently obtain this fancy mo-fi GSM modem from my daddy-o private stash, so I go and buy myself a GSM card that is preloaded with 2 gigabytes of data bandwith in the hope of being able to surf and turf cooler and faster. So far, I haven't got the result I want, but lets pray that this slowness happens due to bad weather (which I know for a fact is a lie because the sky is radiating with starlight tonight).
August 01, 2011
Rock-a-bye-sesshy
As a child, I've always wanted a rocking horse. Nothing too fancy, just a plain and simple wooden horse that is painted with bright color colors. But for some reasons, I never got to have a rocking horse. It's not that my family cannot afford it, it's just that we were always to busy doing other things, so buying a rocking horse for me was never an agenda. Which is fine, because without it my childhood were already filled with lots of happy memories.
But recently, when I went back home, there it was, a nice plastic rocking horse that is equipped with four fold-able wheels so that, other than rocking back and forth, it can also be pushed and pulled around. Other than that, that little thing can also play various music and blinks accordingly. Something I couldn't even imagine in my younger days. It was my niece's. Seeing that little horsie got me thinking of how simple a child's wish is. For me, it was a rocking horse, for my cousin it was cutlery toys, for others it was million other simple things. However, I notice that whatever and however simple it was, it is always the things that we didn't get to have that got stuck in our minds as we grow older.
As I was googling for a rocking horse picture, I found this really awesome recycled rocking thing on greenwala. It always amaze me what people can do with creativity plus a little scrap materials.
But recently, when I went back home, there it was, a nice plastic rocking horse that is equipped with four fold-able wheels so that, other than rocking back and forth, it can also be pushed and pulled around. Other than that, that little thing can also play various music and blinks accordingly. Something I couldn't even imagine in my younger days. It was my niece's. Seeing that little horsie got me thinking of how simple a child's wish is. For me, it was a rocking horse, for my cousin it was cutlery toys, for others it was million other simple things. However, I notice that whatever and however simple it was, it is always the things that we didn't get to have that got stuck in our minds as we grow older.
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| A very cool rocking vespa I found here |
As I was googling for a rocking horse picture, I found this really awesome recycled rocking thing on greenwala. It always amaze me what people can do with creativity plus a little scrap materials.
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