Cool Kids

"I wish that I could be like the cool kids,
'Cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in."
~Ecosmith - Cool Kids

I was an outlier. Growing up, I never feel the need to be the cool kids. It's not that I hate cool kids. Most of them are actually pretty cool. It's just that their life was not mine. And I never intended it to be. I think it's nice to be an outlier. While the cool kids were trying to fit in, I was content with my manga and collection of ash. (Yes, I collected ashes back in the days. I would burn things and saw the different forms of ash they would make. That was how creepy I was. Don't worry. None of the things I burned were alive.)

I hated people. Especially when they are in groups. Making friends was not something that comes natural to me. I had some friends, and most of them were as quirky as I was. Still are. I had always been uncomfortable in social situation. I think the first time I ever really feel not awkward among a lot of people was after I have a job. Somehow being a 'professional' really helped me find the confidence to talk to people and mingle with bunches of them. I guess it's true that access to capital could make a person be empowered.

Reminiscing on how I was, and seeing the way that I am now, I realised that much have changed. And let me just say that I just love the way that I am now. I think I am comfortable in my own skin. More than I ever was. And I enjoy this transformation. I like to see it as me embarking on a journey to find myself. So far, I like what I have found.

Get it? Got it? Good!

Unfortunately, as always, society finds a way to disrupt your happiness. A couple of days ago someone I know said to me, "You look better lately. More marketable." Let me just first say that this is just an awful thing to say to anyone. Human beings are not commodities. At least not on that sense. People (at least I) do not go through personal transformation because they are looking for a market to sell themselves in. No. Personally, I did it for me and myself only. I don't see why it is really difficult for society to understand.

Yes I have changed. Physically and mentally. And I know that the changes manifested themselves visually. But the thing is, I am still the same me. The same person people ignored just a few months ago. And I don't see why people would judge me differently. But I can feel that they do.

I love my current self. More than I have ever loved myself previously. But there are times, such as tonight, when I just miss that little skinny girl that everyone ignored. She did not have to face people's screwed appreciation. She did not have to worry about being nice to other, because she knew people who were nice to her has no ulterior motives; and the people who were not nice to her simply does not matter. She could simply dance through life without people even noticing. And tonight, just tonight, I would give everything to feel a glimpse of that blissful ignorance again.

Good Gone Girl

"Hi Cil,...Is it possible for a woman to fake the violence that she experience?" 
Of course it is, Mas. As possible as it is for a man to fake love.

Human beings are equipped with means of self preservation. One of them is our ability to deceive. We learn the art of deception from early on: ever since we know that the truth can hurt us (that is, when our mom asked us who broke the vase in the living room). We learn that sometimes, lies is more convenient than the truth. However, Gone Girl went far beyond your usual "I got stuck in traffic" lie. The movie speaks about an elaborate scheme of carefully planned deception; which has one and only one goal: to punish.

Because life is only filled with
sunshine and rainbows!
...NOT!

Meet Amy. She spent her life carefully weaving lies that suits her need.  Not that I blame her, though. She was raised in a pretentious society. Her pretentious parents even created a pseudo-world where an "enhanced" version of herself, the Amazing Amy, lives. It's like from the very beginning she was taught that she was not enough. Her whole live was a charade; thus, she learned to show only the side of her that the society wanted to see.

Of course we cannot only blame the ever annoying society, although they're asking for it. To be fair, Amy does shows symptoms of sociopathy to begin with. If not, she would not be able to do the things she did so lightheartedly. That is also not her fault. Mental illness is not a matter of choice. Although in her case, it has never been detected; and an illness, any illness, left untreated is a million times more dangerous.

Let's go back to the question I received a couple of days ago. The one I put on the beginning of this piece. I realize that the answer I gave was stereotypical (unfortunately, I think of this answer after I had given the enquirer another less awesome answer. Damn!). Women played victims and men played perpetrators. But I think that's exactly the problem. Society (yay! We're back to blaming the society! My favorite spawn of satan.) see women in a disadvantaged place. And Amy knows this.

My friend told me a very interesting phrase when we were discussing about this issue: Power Bottom. Amy knows that being a victim can be beneficial to her. She doesn't mind being at the bottom, as long as she's in control. Pathetic? Maybe. But you have to admit that this kind of move is really strategic. And for Amy, it worked. Thrice.

What's interesting about the movie is, you cannot even tell how much of Amy's story was real. Yes of course, Nick cheated; but the other thing Amy said he did to her? I'm fairly convinced he did not do most of it. Maybe Amy was hurt by the betrayal (considering that she has the ability to feel), but I think mostly, she was just bored.

"What are you thinking? How are you feeling?
What have we done to each other? What will we do?"

I can totally see why Amy did the thing she did, though. Everyone has their own deep dark thought that they secretly want to see become reality. Nick even opened the movie with the following gory line: "When I think of my wife, I always think of the back of her head. I picture cracking her lovely skull, unspooling her brain, trying to get answers." He also wanted Amy to be punished. The difference between Nick and Amy is, he still have a moral compass that prevented him from doing the wicked things he wanted to do, whereas Amy is mentally unrestricted.


As sick as Amy may be, I can't help but to feel a hint of envy. For a while, I wonder how it feels to be so unapologetic. To be able to do everything you wanted to do without any emotional consequences. But then again, I'm grateful for the same thing that restricts me also gives me the ability to feel.