To Fear or Not To Fear

Do you know the best thing to do when you are very very stressed and in the brink of another downward spiral? Watch the movie that is basically all of your trauma and fear combined! >=D

Well, okay, that's probably not what the doctor would order; but that's exactly what I (without even realising it) did yesterday.

Picture credit: Aunty Acid

As I'm getting older (and please do notice that this is a comparative phrase) I realise that I am getting better in covering what I am feeling, including to myself. Luckily, my body is honest; and I am trained enough to notice the small signs of protests my body is making. And it has been screaming stress for quite some time now.

Knowing so, I decided to have a de-stress weekend with my friends that include food, movie, and songs. Unfortunately, we encounter a slight problem. I have watched Mad Max and my friend has watched Tommorowland, and we really don't want our other friend to choose which friend she likes better; so we decided to watch San Andreas instead. "It's just another disaster movie," he said. Of course, being a person with serious trust issue that I am, I googled it first. Big earthquake, Dwayne Johnson, and Kylie Minogue. How bad can it be?

The movie is not bad, au contraire, it was actually quite enjoyable. It's just that I am truly amazed on how the movie managed to capture (as I said previously) most of my trauma and fear in 114 minutes. Now, I realise that unless you are a very avid stalker of mine, you will not know about my trauma and fears, so here they are (as portrayed in San Andreas):

Earthquake

What happenei in San Andreas is known as "strike-slip" where
the two sides of the fault slip horizontally past each other. Yes,
I googled.
Picture credit: Hwaairfan's Blog

According to Wikipedia, "an earthquake (also known as a quake, tremor or temblor) is the perceptible shaking of the surface of the Earth, which can be violent enough to destroy major buildings and kill thousands of people." (Wikipedia, 2015). And this phenomenon is basically the underlying theme of San Andreas movie.

I do not have a ridiculous fear of earthquake, but I did experienced an earthquake in 2006 and still shudders whenever I feel the ground is shaking. The earthquake itself was bearable in the place where I lived, but Indonesia is not a country well-prepared for disaster. The level of catastrophe in some areas are devastating. I joined in an effort for children trauma healing in one of the areas highly affected by the disaster and live in a tent for three months with little to none training on both response and trauma healing. In retrospect, I really really wish that we managed to bring more good than bad.

Explosion
I hated explosions since 22 July 2001, when I was caught in one. However, usual explosion scene does not really bother me. What bothers me about the movie is the fact that the explosions were accompanied by a very realistic falling debris. And they happens repeatedly. I guess every single explosion brought the part of me I would rather forget, drained me, and left me a little bit limp at the end of the journey. Okay, maybe I exaggerated a bit; but the intense discomfort I felt when seeing a building explode from the inside is real, and I truly hate it.

Height

Picture credit: Bored Panda

You know that escalator to the movie theater in the Grand Indonesia shopping town? The one that is twice as long and twice as high as the other ones? I hate it. Hate it with all my heart. My friend forced me on it once, and I went numb. I still secretly hate you for doing that to me, Bee!

I have this thing that the French call "the call of the void". The urge to jump from high places. I used to think that the feeling means that I am acrophobic. But after a careful trip down google lane, I see that this is actually a primal self-preservation mechanism.

Hearing the call of the void actually prevents me from getting to close to any edge that might lead to accidental slipping and result in me hitting the ground on 100 mph. So, in a way, it ensures that I stick on this earth a little while longer.

...or at least that what google told me.

Losing A Sister
Not many people now, but I had one sister who died at birth back in 1992. I was still a very young girl at that time, and we did not really have that deep of a connection for me to feel a profound loss. However, the void is there; As well as the longing to be able to chat with and hold her during my most difficult times. She would have been 23 by now and I simply cannot help to wonder what kind of a woman will she be had she still be here with us.

Losing Control in General
Above all, I am a person who are obsessed with control because, let's face it, the world will be a so much better place had everything turn out exactly the way I want it to be. And any kind of naturally-occurring deviance in my life (such as one caused by an earthquake measuring 9.6 on the Richter scale) rips me from having a sense of control. Scenes in the movie are arranged in a way that we could not deny that, when faced by nature's immense strength, human being are essentially nothing. And I hate that feeling of helplessness., especially when it comes to keeping your loved ones safe. I would really love to think that no matter how bad the situation are, we still have control over our lives, and those that we care about. But I'm not naive. I realise that this is not the situation.

***

That being said, I think the rush of norepinephrine and cortisol induced by the movie is quite pleasant. Maybe sometimes, stress just need an outlet and this movie did exactly that. Icing on the cake: I get to see Ioan Gruffudd and Kylie Minogue, even just for a little bit. I am still upset that they canceled "Forever", though. Seriously, America, what's wrong with you?