"Hey!"
"Hey there!"
"You don't seem surprised to see me."
"Can't say that I do. You're always appear right around this time."
"And what time is that, may I ask?"
"When I'm happy."
"Aaah..."
"What? No protest?"
"Well, that's sort of kind of true, isn't it?"
"Yes it is."
"You know it's necessary, though."
"What? For you to drag me down when I'm standing tall?"
"For you to not go in over your head."
"What does that supposed to mean? Are you saying I shouldn't be happy?"
"I keep you grounded."
"You make me doubt myself."
"You're always free to ignore me."
"How can I, when your presence is so thick?"
"You can try."
"Hhh.. I have the feeling that ignoring you will only make it worse."
"You seem so sure."
"I speak from experience."
"It's better this way, right?"
"I guess. There's no way for me to get rid of you, right?"
"Haha.. Not a chance!"
"I thought so." :)
November 27, 2015
November 09, 2015
Nove Novembre
John Glenn once said "There is no cure for the common birthday." (Thanks, Quote Garden!). No matter what we do, we are socially obliged to go through the day that marks another one of our 365 days journey under the sun. At first we are keen to welcome it. Up to a point, you just no longer give a shit. After all, it's just another day in your seemingly unending collection of days. Alas, society (and facebook) will always remind you how supposedly special the day is.
Don't misjudge me. I hove nothing against birthdays. I don't mind getting older, nor do I mind celebrating it. It's just the way it is.
Anyway, this birthday I feel particularly on a reflective mood. So I thought to myself: "Why don't you just write a little bit about how last year's has went?" Then I replied: "You know what? That is actually not a bad idea." So, here are some highlights of last year in my life.
New Job
I landed myself a new position last year. A change that happened on the perfectly right moment, as I started to feel stagnant in my previous position. The new post allows me to learn new things, experiment, and interact with people. After a year, I still think that this new position has a lot of new challenges to offer. Plus, I got to go to new exciting places and meet with amazing people all over the globe.
Losses
Last year, far too many people--good people--died. Some of them I know personally, others are second-degree acquaintances, and the rest are just people I know from a distance. Last week another one of my friend died due to unanticipated reason. We were not that close, but I know him well enough. He's a truly kind and generous soul. I was kinda surprised how affected I was by his death. I guess it really bothers me. How people you love can be easily taken away from you in a heartbeat. I really don't like losing anyone. Especially if I cared about them deeply.
L'amour
After my breakup last year, a lot of people are advising me to not be traumatised about relationship. How I should not be afraid to fall in love again. Well, they are wrong about two things. First, I was never in love with my ex. Of course I loved him, but it was merely a bond formed due to comfort. Although sounded very much bitter, I realised this when I truly examine my relationship in retrospect. Second, I was never traumatised. I just don't post every single encounters I have in facebook. All I can say is that currently, I'm truly happy. And if you don't know why, that just mean I don't like you that much to share my story with you.
Expectations
Sometimes I wonder, when people you care about said that they are worried about you, is it really you they care about? Or is it just their reputation and how people perceive them when they see you? I hate that these expectation put a strain on my relationship with my loved ones. I hate the fact that they don't even bother to ask whether I'm happy before stating their concerns about how I should live my life. I hate the fact that I don't know how to make them understand my feelings and choices.
Karma
Karma has been especially blunt with me this year. I've seen people who hurt me received payback (instantly, without me even wanting it to happen). And on the other hand, it has taught me several lessons. The hard way. I guess I realise now that I should never be so quick to judge what people do. No matter how despicable. I understand now that everyone's story is different. And most of the times, they are incomprehensible to others. At least I try to.
Friendhip
I love my friends. Now more than ever. No further explanation required.
Enough rambling. All in all, it has been a good year. I can only hope the next will be better and better.
Don't misjudge me. I hove nothing against birthdays. I don't mind getting older, nor do I mind celebrating it. It's just the way it is.
Anyway, this birthday I feel particularly on a reflective mood. So I thought to myself: "Why don't you just write a little bit about how last year's has went?" Then I replied: "You know what? That is actually not a bad idea." So, here are some highlights of last year in my life.
***
New Job
I landed myself a new position last year. A change that happened on the perfectly right moment, as I started to feel stagnant in my previous position. The new post allows me to learn new things, experiment, and interact with people. After a year, I still think that this new position has a lot of new challenges to offer. Plus, I got to go to new exciting places and meet with amazing people all over the globe.
 |
| Scorpio, by Agnimaya |
Last year, far too many people--good people--died. Some of them I know personally, others are second-degree acquaintances, and the rest are just people I know from a distance. Last week another one of my friend died due to unanticipated reason. We were not that close, but I know him well enough. He's a truly kind and generous soul. I was kinda surprised how affected I was by his death. I guess it really bothers me. How people you love can be easily taken away from you in a heartbeat. I really don't like losing anyone. Especially if I cared about them deeply.
L'amour
After my breakup last year, a lot of people are advising me to not be traumatised about relationship. How I should not be afraid to fall in love again. Well, they are wrong about two things. First, I was never in love with my ex. Of course I loved him, but it was merely a bond formed due to comfort. Although sounded very much bitter, I realised this when I truly examine my relationship in retrospect. Second, I was never traumatised. I just don't post every single encounters I have in facebook. All I can say is that currently, I'm truly happy. And if you don't know why, that just mean I don't like you that much to share my story with you.
Expectations
Sometimes I wonder, when people you care about said that they are worried about you, is it really you they care about? Or is it just their reputation and how people perceive them when they see you? I hate that these expectation put a strain on my relationship with my loved ones. I hate the fact that they don't even bother to ask whether I'm happy before stating their concerns about how I should live my life. I hate the fact that I don't know how to make them understand my feelings and choices.
Karma
Karma has been especially blunt with me this year. I've seen people who hurt me received payback (instantly, without me even wanting it to happen). And on the other hand, it has taught me several lessons. The hard way. I guess I realise now that I should never be so quick to judge what people do. No matter how despicable. I understand now that everyone's story is different. And most of the times, they are incomprehensible to others. At least I try to.
Friendhip
I love my friends. Now more than ever. No further explanation required.
***
Enough rambling. All in all, it has been a good year. I can only hope the next will be better and better.
November 01, 2015
Synchronised Pain
Synchronicity. Meaningful coincidences. According to Jung,
they are things that are not connected through causality, yet are connected
through meaning. But if so, what then, defines meaning? Don’t expect me to be
able to elaborate that. I never delved into the writings of Jung.
Many miles away....
What I do know is this: my world and the world of many I cared deeply about is out of balance. And we’re not talking about a slight tilt to the left. We’re talking about Pompeii-scale catastrophe. Those that incidents that eats you away inside, and giving you intense pain that you wishes you would just vanishes to oblivion.
I am an avid believer of karma. However, thinking that this
is a bad group karma is too fatalistic. After all, despite all that we have
done, we are all relatively good people (as debatable as it is). It’s
not like we killed a guy then cover it up together. Besides, these people I
cared about are not a part of the same group. They have no apparent connections. And at least two of them can even be categorized
as angels according to mortal standard.
This moment, I don’t even have space in my mind for another thought. I
don’t even know how to think straight anymore. The fight between ego and common
sense in my mind is burning all of my energy that I no longer have any fuel for
anything else. Even so… The affection and empathy I feel for everyone I care
about is impossible to erase, even if it is consuming everything else that is
left in me violently.
Yes, Mbak. That includes the affection and empathy I feel for you. You are a great friend of mine, one which I care for deeply; and it pains me greatly to see that I’ve caused you this pain. I don't know how I can ever get your forgiveness. Or even if I would.
Yes, Mbak. That includes the affection and empathy I feel for you. You are a great friend of mine, one which I care for deeply; and it pains me greatly to see that I’ve caused you this pain. I don't know how I can ever get your forgiveness. Or even if I would.
You know what? Fuck this. Maybe it’s time for me to pray. Let’s
just hope I still remember how.
October 07, 2015
Hagoromo
I've read about it somewhere...
 |
| Photo Credit: Four Seasons in Japan |
Kaguya-hime was unable to feel
That was why Tsukuyomi no Mikoto sent her to earth
To learn how to feel
But truly, Kaguya-hime is anything but numb
She feels everything more intensely than anyone else
But no one can comprehend what she was feeling
Why she did what she did
So they punish her
Forcing her to feel
Only to make her forget all the lessons she learned
All the feelings she felt
Nevertheless I wonder
What would it feel like to just wear the hagoromo
And slip away into the cold white light
Leaving all in the void behind
September 29, 2015
Happy?
"So are you happy with yourself?"
In response, I told you that the current me is the best version of me so far.
The me that I can love the most.
The me I can accept the most.
To tell you the truth, Babe, there are times when I still have a hard time being happy with me.
There's still so much of me that I cannot bring myself to like.
So much of me that is still not the way I want them to be.
So much of me that I want to change, but never had the willpower to do so.
I am hanging in a balance, Babe. I always have.
Maybe I always will be...
A small unfriendly gesture or the slightest failure can send me to a downward spiral.
No, I don't show it to anyone, but it happens.
A lot more time than I'd like it to.
And every single time I need to drag myself out, with a little help from my friends.
But despite all that, I know better than to hate myself.
Because once I start hating me, everything I have spent years restoring will crumble to pieces.
By then, I don't even know if I would have enough strength to stand back up again...
In response, I told you that the current me is the best version of me so far.
The me that I can love the most.
The me I can accept the most.
There's still so much of me that I cannot bring myself to like.
So much of me that is still not the way I want them to be.
So much of me that I want to change, but never had the willpower to do so.
I am hanging in a balance, Babe. I always have.
Maybe I always will be...
A small unfriendly gesture or the slightest failure can send me to a downward spiral.
No, I don't show it to anyone, but it happens.
A lot more time than I'd like it to.
And every single time I need to drag myself out, with a little help from my friends.
But despite all that, I know better than to hate myself.
Because once I start hating me, everything I have spent years restoring will crumble to pieces.
By then, I don't even know if I would have enough strength to stand back up again...
June 01, 2015
To Fear or Not To Fear
Do you know the best thing to do when you are very very stressed and in the brink of another downward spiral? Watch the movie that is basically all of your trauma and fear combined! >=D
Well, okay, that's probably not what the doctor would order; but that's exactly what I (without even realising it) did yesterday.
As I'm getting older (and please do notice that this is a comparative phrase) I realise that I am getting better in covering what I am feeling, including to myself. Luckily, my body is honest; and I am trained enough to notice the small signs of protests my body is making. And it has been screaming stress for quite some time now.
Knowing so, I decided to have a de-stress weekend with my friends that include food, movie, and songs. Unfortunately, we encounter a slight problem. I have watched Mad Max and my friend has watched Tommorowland, and we really don't want our other friend to choose which friend she likes better; so we decided to watch San Andreas instead. "It's just another disaster movie," he said. Of course, being a person with serious trust issue that I am, I googled it first. Big earthquake, Dwayne Johnson, and Kylie Minogue. How bad can it be?
The movie is not bad, au contraire, it was actually quite enjoyable. It's just that I am truly amazed on how the movie managed to capture (as I said previously) most of my trauma and fear in 114 minutes. Now, I realise that unless you are a very avid stalker of mine, you will not know about my trauma and fears, so here they are (as portrayed in San Andreas):
Earthquake
According to Wikipedia, "an earthquake (also known as a quake, tremor or temblor)
is the perceptible shaking of the surface of the Earth, which can be
violent enough to destroy major buildings and kill thousands of people." (Wikipedia, 2015). And this phenomenon is basically the underlying theme of San Andreas movie.
I do not have a ridiculous fear of earthquake, but I did experienced an earthquake in 2006 and still shudders whenever I feel the ground is shaking. The earthquake itself was bearable in the place where I lived, but Indonesia is not a country well-prepared for disaster. The level of catastrophe in some areas are devastating. I joined in an effort for children trauma healing in one of the areas highly affected by the disaster and live in a tent for three months with little to none training on both response and trauma healing. In retrospect, I really really wish that we managed to bring more good than bad.
Explosion
I hated explosions since 22 July 2001, when I was caught in one. However, usual explosion scene does not really bother me. What bothers me about the movie is the fact that the explosions were accompanied by a very realistic falling debris. And they happens repeatedly. I guess every single explosion brought the part of me I would rather forget, drained me, and left me a little bit limp at the end of the journey. Okay, maybe I exaggerated a bit; but the intense discomfort I felt when seeing a building explode from the inside is real, and I truly hate it.
Height
You know that escalator to the movie theater in the Grand Indonesia shopping town? The one that is twice as long and twice as high as the other ones? I hate it. Hate it with all my heart. My friend forced me on it once, and I went numb. I still secretly hate you for doing that to me, Bee!
I have this thing that the French call "the call of the void". The urge to jump from high places. I used to think that the feeling means that I am acrophobic. But after a careful trip down google lane, I see that this is actually a primal self-preservation mechanism.
Hearing the call of the void actually prevents me from getting to close to any edge that might lead to accidental slipping and result in me hitting the ground on 100 mph. So, in a way, it ensures that I stick on this earth a little while longer.
...or at least that what google told me.
Losing A Sister
Not many people now, but I had one sister who died at birth back in 1992. I was still a very young girl at that time, and we did not really have that deep of a connection for me to feel a profound loss. However, the void is there; As well as the longing to be able to chat with and hold her during my most difficult times. She would have been 23 by now and I simply cannot help to wonder what kind of a woman will she be had she still be here with us.
Losing Control in General
Above all, I am a person who are obsessed with control because, let's face it, the world will be a so much better place had everything turn out exactly the way I want it to be. And any kind of naturally-occurring deviance in my life (such as one caused by an earthquake measuring 9.6 on the Richter scale) rips me from having a sense of control. Scenes in the movie are arranged in a way that we could not deny that, when faced by nature's immense strength, human being are essentially nothing. And I hate that feeling of helplessness., especially when it comes to keeping your loved ones safe. I would really love to think that no matter how bad the situation are, we still have control over our lives, and those that we care about. But I'm not naive. I realise that this is not the situation.
That being said, I think the rush of norepinephrine and cortisol induced by the movie is quite pleasant. Maybe sometimes, stress just need an outlet and this movie did exactly that. Icing on the cake: I get to see Ioan Gruffudd and Kylie Minogue, even just for a little bit. I am still upset that they canceled "Forever", though. Seriously, America, what's wrong with you?
Well, okay, that's probably not what the doctor would order; but that's exactly what I (without even realising it) did yesterday.
 |
| Picture credit: Aunty Acid |
Knowing so, I decided to have a de-stress weekend with my friends that include food, movie, and songs. Unfortunately, we encounter a slight problem. I have watched Mad Max and my friend has watched Tommorowland, and we really don't want our other friend to choose which friend she likes better; so we decided to watch San Andreas instead. "It's just another disaster movie," he said. Of course, being a person with serious trust issue that I am, I googled it first. Big earthquake, Dwayne Johnson, and Kylie Minogue. How bad can it be?
The movie is not bad, au contraire, it was actually quite enjoyable. It's just that I am truly amazed on how the movie managed to capture (as I said previously) most of my trauma and fear in 114 minutes. Now, I realise that unless you are a very avid stalker of mine, you will not know about my trauma and fears, so here they are (as portrayed in San Andreas):
Earthquake
 | |
| What happenei in San Andreas is known as "strike-slip" where the two sides of the fault slip horizontally past each other. Yes, I googled. Picture credit: Hwaairfan's Blog |
I do not have a ridiculous fear of earthquake, but I did experienced an earthquake in 2006 and still shudders whenever I feel the ground is shaking. The earthquake itself was bearable in the place where I lived, but Indonesia is not a country well-prepared for disaster. The level of catastrophe in some areas are devastating. I joined in an effort for children trauma healing in one of the areas highly affected by the disaster and live in a tent for three months with little to none training on both response and trauma healing. In retrospect, I really really wish that we managed to bring more good than bad.
Explosion
I hated explosions since 22 July 2001, when I was caught in one. However, usual explosion scene does not really bother me. What bothers me about the movie is the fact that the explosions were accompanied by a very realistic falling debris. And they happens repeatedly. I guess every single explosion brought the part of me I would rather forget, drained me, and left me a little bit limp at the end of the journey. Okay, maybe I exaggerated a bit; but the intense discomfort I felt when seeing a building explode from the inside is real, and I truly hate it.
Height
 |
| Picture credit: Bored Panda |
I have this thing that the French call "the call of the void". The urge to jump from high places. I used to think that the feeling means that I am acrophobic. But after a careful trip down google lane, I see that this is actually a primal self-preservation mechanism.
Hearing the call of the void actually prevents me from getting to close to any edge that might lead to accidental slipping and result in me hitting the ground on 100 mph. So, in a way, it ensures that I stick on this earth a little while longer.
...or at least that what google told me.
Losing A Sister
Not many people now, but I had one sister who died at birth back in 1992. I was still a very young girl at that time, and we did not really have that deep of a connection for me to feel a profound loss. However, the void is there; As well as the longing to be able to chat with and hold her during my most difficult times. She would have been 23 by now and I simply cannot help to wonder what kind of a woman will she be had she still be here with us.
Losing Control in General
Above all, I am a person who are obsessed with control because, let's face it, the world will be a so much better place had everything turn out exactly the way I want it to be. And any kind of naturally-occurring deviance in my life (such as one caused by an earthquake measuring 9.6 on the Richter scale) rips me from having a sense of control. Scenes in the movie are arranged in a way that we could not deny that, when faced by nature's immense strength, human being are essentially nothing. And I hate that feeling of helplessness., especially when it comes to keeping your loved ones safe. I would really love to think that no matter how bad the situation are, we still have control over our lives, and those that we care about. But I'm not naive. I realise that this is not the situation.
***
That being said, I think the rush of norepinephrine and cortisol induced by the movie is quite pleasant. Maybe sometimes, stress just need an outlet and this movie did exactly that. Icing on the cake: I get to see Ioan Gruffudd and Kylie Minogue, even just for a little bit. I am still upset that they canceled "Forever", though. Seriously, America, what's wrong with you?
May 15, 2015
Nadie
 |
| Credit: Musico na Estrada |
It's been 11 years since I first saw you
9 since I hesitated, and gave up
7 since I last took a ride on your bike
6 since I last saw you
4 since we last texted each other
2 months since you messaged me out of the blue
1 month since you popped on my timeline by chance
before vanishing once more
Somehow, you always know the perfectly bad time to reappear in my life
Always
that exact moment I stopped thinking about you
but I guess, I don't know if I ever really do
We are nobody to each other
yet I seek you in everyone I met
and until now
none of them compare to you
May 05, 2015
The 100 Year Old Man Who... Well, You Know What He Did
"Ada seekor anak kelinci main-main di lapangan.
Dia sangat senang sekali melihat rumput-rumput yang bergoyang..."
Are you familiar with a Mobius strip? It's basically a simple strip that when you draw a straight line on the surface, you would end up on the spot where you begin. The piece of the story (in Indonesian) above is the beginning of my Daddy's version of a Mobius strip.
Every night when I was small, he would tell us a story of a little bunny who got lost, met Mr. Bear, went to his house to spend the night and eat Mrs. Bear's cooking, decided to take a nap while Mr. Bear told him a story about a little bunny who got lost, and the story goes on forever. The ending of this movie reminded me of that story from my childhood. However, as Julie Andrews said (or sang): "Let's start from the very beginning. A very good place to start."
Run, Allan! Run!
It has been a crazy week. Between work, friends, family, financial, health, and personal sanity dramas; I think I can proudly say that it's an achievement that I have not completely lost my mind. So in order to remain functioning, I decided to went and watch the Europe on Screen alone on a lovely Monday night.
The 100-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out The Window and Disappeared was playing. I first heard the ridiculously long title when I saw the book in my friend's house. She told me it was a great book. But I haven't had a chance to read it. So, when I saw the title in the screening schedule, naturally I feel the urge to go and watch it. And thus I went and watch.
The movie started with a bang. A literal bang. The main character, Allan Karlsson, is an old man with a livelong obsession of blowing things up. And he decided to take revenge on the lovely red fox that killed his overweight cat (appropriately named Molotov) by blowing it up. This maneuver send him straight to a nursing home.
I think you can instantaneously tell that Allan is quite a character around the time you see him wrapping a bunch sausages around dynamite and meticulously putting the pile by the hen house. But even this quirky move will not prepare you for what you about to see about Alan's character.
He live a carefree, colorful live; I suspect without even realising it. He had had people, "from conductor to dictator," yelling at him. He saved Franco's life (from himself, but that's out of the context), advised Oppenheimer on how to make bomb, dined with Truman, danced with Stalin, befriended Einstein (Herbert, not Albert), and (unawarely) tricked Gorbachev with his recording of Reagan's yelling to his gardener. Hell, he was the Scandinavian version of Forest Gump!
To Think or Not To Think
Technically speaking, I love the colorful scenes in the movie. The scenic Scandinavian countryside, the cute houses, the amazing make up, the uplifting music, the one-of-a-kind characters, the quirky storyline, the witty dialogues; all of which are directed into making you feel that blissful happiness you rarely let out. I watched the movie alone, but not once did I feel the need to hold back on the laughing. And it's deliberating.
I could spend so much time babbling about how great the storyline is and describing every single scene, but I won't. You could go on and watch the movie yourselves! One thing I could say, though, is that the maker of Allan's story, Jonas Jonasson, is a genius! I haven't had as much fun watching a movie like this ever since Harold and Maude. The whole studio cannot stop laughing throughout the screening. There were also occasional applause during several scenes. Well deserved applause, if I might add.
Witty comic aside, I think Allan's story serve as a reminder of how we, modern people, have the tendency to over think. "Thinking would not get you anywhere," his mother said just before she died. That in turn shaped Allan into a carefree, happy-go-lucky person that we saw throughout the movie.
And then we saw the character Benny. A character so indecisive that he never decided where he should go with his life, and thus went nowhere. On top of it all, we see that Allan is a blessed golden child of destiny; and so do the good people around him. They came so close so many times to misfortune, even felt that every now and then. But they always prevails in the end. The message is clear (at least I think it is): Carpe Diem! (or as modern hip people say: YOLO!). If you want to do something, do it. Don't waste time thinking about it. Nitey nite!
Dia sangat senang sekali melihat rumput-rumput yang bergoyang..."
 |
| Whoaa..! Dad! You should have taught me not to go with strangers. Especially when it's a shady bear in the woods! I'm not Masha! (Photo credit: We Know Memes) |
Every night when I was small, he would tell us a story of a little bunny who got lost, met Mr. Bear, went to his house to spend the night and eat Mrs. Bear's cooking, decided to take a nap while Mr. Bear told him a story about a little bunny who got lost, and the story goes on forever. The ending of this movie reminded me of that story from my childhood. However, as Julie Andrews said (or sang): "Let's start from the very beginning. A very good place to start."
Run, Allan! Run!
It has been a crazy week. Between work, friends, family, financial, health, and personal sanity dramas; I think I can proudly say that it's an achievement that I have not completely lost my mind. So in order to remain functioning, I decided to went and watch the Europe on Screen alone on a lovely Monday night.
The 100-Year-Old Man Who Climbed Out The Window and Disappeared was playing. I first heard the ridiculously long title when I saw the book in my friend's house. She told me it was a great book. But I haven't had a chance to read it. So, when I saw the title in the screening schedule, naturally I feel the urge to go and watch it. And thus I went and watch.
The movie started with a bang. A literal bang. The main character, Allan Karlsson, is an old man with a livelong obsession of blowing things up. And he decided to take revenge on the lovely red fox that killed his overweight cat (appropriately named Molotov) by blowing it up. This maneuver send him straight to a nursing home.
 |
| But first, let me just say that any geriatric who are brave enough to climb out of anything deserved my utmost respect. (Photo credit: The Holywood Reporter) |
He live a carefree, colorful live; I suspect without even realising it. He had had people, "from conductor to dictator," yelling at him. He saved Franco's life (from himself, but that's out of the context), advised Oppenheimer on how to make bomb, dined with Truman, danced with Stalin, befriended Einstein (Herbert, not Albert), and (unawarely) tricked Gorbachev with his recording of Reagan's yelling to his gardener. Hell, he was the Scandinavian version of Forest Gump!
To Think or Not To Think
Technically speaking, I love the colorful scenes in the movie. The scenic Scandinavian countryside, the cute houses, the amazing make up, the uplifting music, the one-of-a-kind characters, the quirky storyline, the witty dialogues; all of which are directed into making you feel that blissful happiness you rarely let out. I watched the movie alone, but not once did I feel the need to hold back on the laughing. And it's deliberating.
I could spend so much time babbling about how great the storyline is and describing every single scene, but I won't. You could go on and watch the movie yourselves! One thing I could say, though, is that the maker of Allan's story, Jonas Jonasson, is a genius! I haven't had as much fun watching a movie like this ever since Harold and Maude. The whole studio cannot stop laughing throughout the screening. There were also occasional applause during several scenes. Well deserved applause, if I might add.
 |
| And while we're on the subject, May the Fourth be with you! (Photo credit: Adventure Time Wikia) |
And then we saw the character Benny. A character so indecisive that he never decided where he should go with his life, and thus went nowhere. On top of it all, we see that Allan is a blessed golden child of destiny; and so do the good people around him. They came so close so many times to misfortune, even felt that every now and then. But they always prevails in the end. The message is clear (at least I think it is): Carpe Diem! (or as modern hip people say: YOLO!). If you want to do something, do it. Don't waste time thinking about it. Nitey nite!
April 13, 2015
La Mia Ombra
You caught up with me tonight.
I always knew you have never left. You were always there. Two steps behind me. Watching. Silently waiting for that one moment of weakness where I would let you in. That one moment where I cannot resist your touch. That one moment where I would surrender to your cold embrace. I just could not believe that you would strike tonight.
I survived a lot. Did you know that? Of course you did. You were there through the ups and downs and the seemingly endless roundarounds. But I don't get why didn't you move then. When I lost, and lost, and lost again. Why did you stand idle then?
It's amazing how much pain you let me conquer, only to enter my life over a small insignificant thing. That's diabolical, you know? Even for you.
I have prepared for this reunion ever since I managed to put you at bay. I thought I was ready. I truly do. I guess I just forgot how viscous the darkness that you bring. How easy it is to fall under your spell.
You are an undeniable part of me. I know. I cannot do anything to vanquish you. But tell me, what would it take for me to move two steps ahead once again?
I survived a lot. Did you know that? Of course you did. You were there through the ups and downs and the seemingly endless roundarounds. But I don't get why didn't you move then. When I lost, and lost, and lost again. Why did you stand idle then?
It's amazing how much pain you let me conquer, only to enter my life over a small insignificant thing. That's diabolical, you know? Even for you.
I have prepared for this reunion ever since I managed to put you at bay. I thought I was ready. I truly do. I guess I just forgot how viscous the darkness that you bring. How easy it is to fall under your spell.
You are an undeniable part of me. I know. I cannot do anything to vanquish you. But tell me, what would it take for me to move two steps ahead once again?
April 04, 2015
Crossroads
We walk hand in hand with others through this journey we call life. At any point of my life, there's always somebody holding my hand, or at least hovering nearby as I went on in my passage. No matter how comfortable the person's presence is, inevitably we will reach that fork on the road. One that would force each of us to choose whether we would go on together, of should we bid farewell to each other. Most of the times, we are bound to let go.
There was this boy I spent my childhood with. He lived nearby. We spent almost everyday together. We played the same games and shared the same laughs. We grew apart as I started school. He went to school in his hometown. I met him a couple of times ago, pushing the snack cart on the side of the road. We exchanged stories. Briefly reminisce of a time long passed. He is still the same warm, kind soul I knew years ago.
There was this girl whom I went to elementary school with. I spent so many times in her house. We were so close at that time. We go to the same church, but I was never the devout type. Not even as a child. She is the exact opposite of me, religious-wise. We don't actually communicate other than briefly exchange comments on Facebook and occasional hellos during the rare times I go to my church. During these times, I would watch her as she reads passages of the bible on the podium, while I try to maintain sufficient level of concentration.
A guy that sells tickets for the commuter train recognised me one day. I barely recognised him, but we went to junior high together. We were never that close, but he was smarter than me in school, academically. He was my ex's best friend at that time. We exchanged smile, but directly went on our ways. You see, I have a train to catch and people were queuing behind me.
Speaking of exes, there was this guy I dated briefly in senior high. We have different religions, and apparently that's a big thing for Indonesian parents. Throughout the years, we meet several times. Exchanged stories and looking for each other's advice. He's married to one of my best friend in tenth grade (whom I suspect dislikes me from the way she interacts with me. I never figure out why). They have one child, and I no longer communicate with him. Save for some innocent comments on Facebook.
In college, I met this amazing girl. She is very smart, critical, diligent, friendly, and seem to have zero bad thoughts. I was comfortable with her as friend, and enjoy our discussions. She went back to her hometown a couple of years ago. And now, I saw her sharing posts that I find doesn't make sense on Facebook. I still have high respect for her, but I think our values and believes are already so far apart.
It's amazing how one different turn can lead you to a very different path. At one point of life, I was in the same state with the aforementioned. Now, we are so far apart. Some people whom I said goodbye to came back to my life as if nothing have changed, but that do not happen a lot. No matter how different we are now, I sincerely hope the good persons that has been in my life are happy with their current conditions, as I am now.
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* Crossroad picture taken from this site.
** Happy monks picture by Mollycules from Buddha Doodles.
 |
| See you at the crossroad |
There was this boy I spent my childhood with. He lived nearby. We spent almost everyday together. We played the same games and shared the same laughs. We grew apart as I started school. He went to school in his hometown. I met him a couple of times ago, pushing the snack cart on the side of the road. We exchanged stories. Briefly reminisce of a time long passed. He is still the same warm, kind soul I knew years ago.
There was this girl whom I went to elementary school with. I spent so many times in her house. We were so close at that time. We go to the same church, but I was never the devout type. Not even as a child. She is the exact opposite of me, religious-wise. We don't actually communicate other than briefly exchange comments on Facebook and occasional hellos during the rare times I go to my church. During these times, I would watch her as she reads passages of the bible on the podium, while I try to maintain sufficient level of concentration.
A guy that sells tickets for the commuter train recognised me one day. I barely recognised him, but we went to junior high together. We were never that close, but he was smarter than me in school, academically. He was my ex's best friend at that time. We exchanged smile, but directly went on our ways. You see, I have a train to catch and people were queuing behind me.
Speaking of exes, there was this guy I dated briefly in senior high. We have different religions, and apparently that's a big thing for Indonesian parents. Throughout the years, we meet several times. Exchanged stories and looking for each other's advice. He's married to one of my best friend in tenth grade (whom I suspect dislikes me from the way she interacts with me. I never figure out why). They have one child, and I no longer communicate with him. Save for some innocent comments on Facebook.
 |
| Because happiness needs no explanations |
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* Crossroad picture taken from this site.
** Happy monks picture by Mollycules from Buddha Doodles.
February 23, 2015
Cool Kids
"I wish that I could be like the cool kids,
'Cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in."
~Ecosmith - Cool Kids
I was an outlier. Growing up, I never feel the need to be the cool kids. It's not that I hate cool kids. Most of them are actually pretty cool. It's just that their life was not mine. And I never intended it to be. I think it's nice to be an outlier. While the cool kids were trying to fit in, I was content with my manga and collection of ash. (Yes, I collected ashes back in the days. I would burn things and saw the different forms of ash they would make. That was how creepy I was. Don't worry. None of the things I burned were alive.)
I hated people. Especially when they are in groups. Making friends was not something that comes natural to me. I had some friends, and most of them were as quirky as I was. Still are. I had always been uncomfortable in social situation. I think the first time I ever really feel not awkward among a lot of people was after I have a job. Somehow being a 'professional' really helped me find the confidence to talk to people and mingle with bunches of them. I guess it's true that access to capital could make a person be empowered.
Reminiscing on how I was, and seeing the way that I am now, I realised that much have changed. And let me just say that I just love the way that I am now. I think I am comfortable in my own skin. More than I ever was. And I enjoy this transformation. I like to see it as me embarking on a journey to find myself. So far, I like what I have found.
Unfortunately, as always, society finds a way to disrupt your happiness. A couple of days ago someone I know said to me, "You look better lately. More marketable." Let me just first say that this is just an awful thing to say to anyone. Human beings are not commodities. At least not on that sense. People (at least I) do not go through personal transformation because they are looking for a market to sell themselves in. No. Personally, I did it for me and myself only. I don't see why it is really difficult for society to understand.
Yes I have changed. Physically and mentally. And I know that the changes manifested themselves visually. But the thing is, I am still the same me. The same person people ignored just a few months ago. And I don't see why people would judge me differently. But I can feel that they do.
I love my current self. More than I have ever loved myself previously. But there are times, such as tonight, when I just miss that little skinny girl that everyone ignored. She did not have to face people's screwed appreciation. She did not have to worry about being nice to other, because she knew people who were nice to her has no ulterior motives; and the people who were not nice to her simply does not matter. She could simply dance through life without people even noticing. And tonight, just tonight, I would give everything to feel a glimpse of that blissful ignorance again.
'Cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in."
~Ecosmith - Cool Kids
I was an outlier. Growing up, I never feel the need to be the cool kids. It's not that I hate cool kids. Most of them are actually pretty cool. It's just that their life was not mine. And I never intended it to be. I think it's nice to be an outlier. While the cool kids were trying to fit in, I was content with my manga and collection of ash. (Yes, I collected ashes back in the days. I would burn things and saw the different forms of ash they would make. That was how creepy I was. Don't worry. None of the things I burned were alive.)
I hated people. Especially when they are in groups. Making friends was not something that comes natural to me. I had some friends, and most of them were as quirky as I was. Still are. I had always been uncomfortable in social situation. I think the first time I ever really feel not awkward among a lot of people was after I have a job. Somehow being a 'professional' really helped me find the confidence to talk to people and mingle with bunches of them. I guess it's true that access to capital could make a person be empowered.
Reminiscing on how I was, and seeing the way that I am now, I realised that much have changed. And let me just say that I just love the way that I am now. I think I am comfortable in my own skin. More than I ever was. And I enjoy this transformation. I like to see it as me embarking on a journey to find myself. So far, I like what I have found.
 |
| Get it? Got it? Good! |
Yes I have changed. Physically and mentally. And I know that the changes manifested themselves visually. But the thing is, I am still the same me. The same person people ignored just a few months ago. And I don't see why people would judge me differently. But I can feel that they do.
I love my current self. More than I have ever loved myself previously. But there are times, such as tonight, when I just miss that little skinny girl that everyone ignored. She did not have to face people's screwed appreciation. She did not have to worry about being nice to other, because she knew people who were nice to her has no ulterior motives; and the people who were not nice to her simply does not matter. She could simply dance through life without people even noticing. And tonight, just tonight, I would give everything to feel a glimpse of that blissful ignorance again.
February 17, 2015
Good Gone Girl
"Hi Cil,...Is it possible for a woman to fake the violence that she experience?"
Of course it is, Mas. As possible as it is for a man to fake love.
Human beings are equipped with means of self preservation. One of them is our ability to deceive. We learn the art of deception from early on: ever since we know that the truth can hurt us (that is, when our mom asked us who broke the vase in the living room). We learn that sometimes, lies is more convenient than the truth. However, Gone Girl went far beyond your usual "I got stuck in traffic" lie. The movie speaks about an elaborate scheme of carefully planned deception; which has one and only one goal: to punish.
Meet Amy. She spent her life carefully weaving lies that suits her need. Not that I blame her, though. She was raised in a pretentious society. Her pretentious parents even created a pseudo-world where an "enhanced" version of herself, the Amazing Amy, lives. It's like from the very beginning she was taught that she was not enough. Her whole live was a charade; thus, she learned to show only the side of her that the society wanted to see.
Of course we cannot only blame the ever annoying society, although they're asking for it. To be fair, Amy does shows symptoms of sociopathy to begin with. If not, she would not be able to do the things she did so lightheartedly. That is also not her fault. Mental illness is not a matter of choice. Although in her case, it has never been detected; and an illness, any illness, left untreated is a million times more dangerous.
Let's go back to the question I received a couple of days ago. The one I put on the beginning of this piece. I realize that the answer I gave was stereotypical (unfortunately, I think of this answer after I had given the enquirer another less awesome answer. Damn!). Women played victims and men played perpetrators. But I think that's exactly the problem. Society (yay! We're back to blaming the society! My favorite spawn of satan.) see women in a disadvantaged place. And Amy knows this.
My friend told me a very interesting phrase when we were discussing about this issue: Power Bottom. Amy knows that being a victim can be beneficial to her. She doesn't mind being at the bottom, as long as she's in control. Pathetic? Maybe. But you have to admit that this kind of move is really strategic. And for Amy, it worked. Thrice.
What's interesting about the movie is, you cannot even tell how much of Amy's story was real. Yes of course, Nick cheated; but the other thing Amy said he did to her? I'm fairly convinced he did not do most of it. Maybe Amy was hurt by the betrayal (considering that she has the ability to feel), but I think mostly, she was just bored.
I can totally see why Amy did the thing she did, though. Everyone has their own deep dark thought that they secretly want to see become reality. Nick even opened the movie with the following gory line: "When I think of my wife, I always think of the back of her head. I picture cracking her lovely skull, unspooling her brain, trying to get answers." He also wanted Amy to be punished. The difference between Nick and Amy is, he still have a moral compass that prevented him from doing the wicked things he wanted to do, whereas Amy is mentally unrestricted.
As sick as Amy may be, I can't help but to feel a hint of envy. For a while, I wonder how it feels to be so unapologetic. To be able to do everything you wanted to do without any emotional consequences. But then again, I'm grateful for the same thing that restricts me also gives me the ability to feel.
Of course it is, Mas. As possible as it is for a man to fake love.
Human beings are equipped with means of self preservation. One of them is our ability to deceive. We learn the art of deception from early on: ever since we know that the truth can hurt us (that is, when our mom asked us who broke the vase in the living room). We learn that sometimes, lies is more convenient than the truth. However, Gone Girl went far beyond your usual "I got stuck in traffic" lie. The movie speaks about an elaborate scheme of carefully planned deception; which has one and only one goal: to punish.
 | |
| Because life is only filled with sunshine and rainbows! ...NOT! |
Of course we cannot only blame the ever annoying society, although they're asking for it. To be fair, Amy does shows symptoms of sociopathy to begin with. If not, she would not be able to do the things she did so lightheartedly. That is also not her fault. Mental illness is not a matter of choice. Although in her case, it has never been detected; and an illness, any illness, left untreated is a million times more dangerous.
Let's go back to the question I received a couple of days ago. The one I put on the beginning of this piece. I realize that the answer I gave was stereotypical (unfortunately, I think of this answer after I had given the enquirer another less awesome answer. Damn!). Women played victims and men played perpetrators. But I think that's exactly the problem. Society (yay! We're back to blaming the society! My favorite spawn of satan.) see women in a disadvantaged place. And Amy knows this.
My friend told me a very interesting phrase when we were discussing about this issue: Power Bottom. Amy knows that being a victim can be beneficial to her. She doesn't mind being at the bottom, as long as she's in control. Pathetic? Maybe. But you have to admit that this kind of move is really strategic. And for Amy, it worked. Thrice.
What's interesting about the movie is, you cannot even tell how much of Amy's story was real. Yes of course, Nick cheated; but the other thing Amy said he did to her? I'm fairly convinced he did not do most of it. Maybe Amy was hurt by the betrayal (considering that she has the ability to feel), but I think mostly, she was just bored.
 |
| "What are you thinking? How are you feeling? What have we done to each other? What will we do?" |
I can totally see why Amy did the thing she did, though. Everyone has their own deep dark thought that they secretly want to see become reality. Nick even opened the movie with the following gory line: "When I think of my wife, I always think of the back of her head. I picture cracking her lovely skull, unspooling her brain, trying to get answers." He also wanted Amy to be punished. The difference between Nick and Amy is, he still have a moral compass that prevented him from doing the wicked things he wanted to do, whereas Amy is mentally unrestricted.
As sick as Amy may be, I can't help but to feel a hint of envy. For a while, I wonder how it feels to be so unapologetic. To be able to do everything you wanted to do without any emotional consequences. But then again, I'm grateful for the same thing that restricts me also gives me the ability to feel.
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