"Hey!"
"Hey there!"
"You don't seem surprised to see me."
"Can't say that I do. You're always appear right around this time."
"And what time is that, may I ask?"
"When I'm happy."
"Aaah..."
"What? No protest?"
"Well, that's sort of kind of true, isn't it?"
"Yes it is."
"You know it's necessary, though."
"What? For you to drag me down when I'm standing tall?"
"For you to not go in over your head."
"What does that supposed to mean? Are you saying I shouldn't be happy?"
"I keep you grounded."
"You make me doubt myself."
"You're always free to ignore me."
"How can I, when your presence is so thick?"
"You can try."
"Hhh.. I have the feeling that ignoring you will only make it worse."
"You seem so sure."
"I speak from experience."
"It's better this way, right?"
"I guess. There's no way for me to get rid of you, right?"
"Haha.. Not a chance!"
"I thought so." :)
November 27, 2015
November 09, 2015
Nove Novembre
John Glenn once said "There is no cure for the common birthday." (Thanks, Quote Garden!). No matter what we do, we are socially obliged to go through the day that marks another one of our 365 days journey under the sun. At first we are keen to welcome it. Up to a point, you just no longer give a shit. After all, it's just another day in your seemingly unending collection of days. Alas, society (and facebook) will always remind you how supposedly special the day is.
Don't misjudge me. I hove nothing against birthdays. I don't mind getting older, nor do I mind celebrating it. It's just the way it is.
Anyway, this birthday I feel particularly on a reflective mood. So I thought to myself: "Why don't you just write a little bit about how last year's has went?" Then I replied: "You know what? That is actually not a bad idea." So, here are some highlights of last year in my life.
New Job
I landed myself a new position last year. A change that happened on the perfectly right moment, as I started to feel stagnant in my previous position. The new post allows me to learn new things, experiment, and interact with people. After a year, I still think that this new position has a lot of new challenges to offer. Plus, I got to go to new exciting places and meet with amazing people all over the globe.
Losses
Last year, far too many people--good people--died. Some of them I know personally, others are second-degree acquaintances, and the rest are just people I know from a distance. Last week another one of my friend died due to unanticipated reason. We were not that close, but I know him well enough. He's a truly kind and generous soul. I was kinda surprised how affected I was by his death. I guess it really bothers me. How people you love can be easily taken away from you in a heartbeat. I really don't like losing anyone. Especially if I cared about them deeply.
L'amour
After my breakup last year, a lot of people are advising me to not be traumatised about relationship. How I should not be afraid to fall in love again. Well, they are wrong about two things. First, I was never in love with my ex. Of course I loved him, but it was merely a bond formed due to comfort. Although sounded very much bitter, I realised this when I truly examine my relationship in retrospect. Second, I was never traumatised. I just don't post every single encounters I have in facebook. All I can say is that currently, I'm truly happy. And if you don't know why, that just mean I don't like you that much to share my story with you.
Expectations
Sometimes I wonder, when people you care about said that they are worried about you, is it really you they care about? Or is it just their reputation and how people perceive them when they see you? I hate that these expectation put a strain on my relationship with my loved ones. I hate the fact that they don't even bother to ask whether I'm happy before stating their concerns about how I should live my life. I hate the fact that I don't know how to make them understand my feelings and choices.
Karma
Karma has been especially blunt with me this year. I've seen people who hurt me received payback (instantly, without me even wanting it to happen). And on the other hand, it has taught me several lessons. The hard way. I guess I realise now that I should never be so quick to judge what people do. No matter how despicable. I understand now that everyone's story is different. And most of the times, they are incomprehensible to others. At least I try to.
Friendhip
I love my friends. Now more than ever. No further explanation required.
Enough rambling. All in all, it has been a good year. I can only hope the next will be better and better.
Don't misjudge me. I hove nothing against birthdays. I don't mind getting older, nor do I mind celebrating it. It's just the way it is.
Anyway, this birthday I feel particularly on a reflective mood. So I thought to myself: "Why don't you just write a little bit about how last year's has went?" Then I replied: "You know what? That is actually not a bad idea." So, here are some highlights of last year in my life.
***
New Job
I landed myself a new position last year. A change that happened on the perfectly right moment, as I started to feel stagnant in my previous position. The new post allows me to learn new things, experiment, and interact with people. After a year, I still think that this new position has a lot of new challenges to offer. Plus, I got to go to new exciting places and meet with amazing people all over the globe.
 |
| Scorpio, by Agnimaya |
Last year, far too many people--good people--died. Some of them I know personally, others are second-degree acquaintances, and the rest are just people I know from a distance. Last week another one of my friend died due to unanticipated reason. We were not that close, but I know him well enough. He's a truly kind and generous soul. I was kinda surprised how affected I was by his death. I guess it really bothers me. How people you love can be easily taken away from you in a heartbeat. I really don't like losing anyone. Especially if I cared about them deeply.
L'amour
After my breakup last year, a lot of people are advising me to not be traumatised about relationship. How I should not be afraid to fall in love again. Well, they are wrong about two things. First, I was never in love with my ex. Of course I loved him, but it was merely a bond formed due to comfort. Although sounded very much bitter, I realised this when I truly examine my relationship in retrospect. Second, I was never traumatised. I just don't post every single encounters I have in facebook. All I can say is that currently, I'm truly happy. And if you don't know why, that just mean I don't like you that much to share my story with you.
Expectations
Sometimes I wonder, when people you care about said that they are worried about you, is it really you they care about? Or is it just their reputation and how people perceive them when they see you? I hate that these expectation put a strain on my relationship with my loved ones. I hate the fact that they don't even bother to ask whether I'm happy before stating their concerns about how I should live my life. I hate the fact that I don't know how to make them understand my feelings and choices.
Karma
Karma has been especially blunt with me this year. I've seen people who hurt me received payback (instantly, without me even wanting it to happen). And on the other hand, it has taught me several lessons. The hard way. I guess I realise now that I should never be so quick to judge what people do. No matter how despicable. I understand now that everyone's story is different. And most of the times, they are incomprehensible to others. At least I try to.
Friendhip
I love my friends. Now more than ever. No further explanation required.
***
Enough rambling. All in all, it has been a good year. I can only hope the next will be better and better.
November 01, 2015
Synchronised Pain
Synchronicity. Meaningful coincidences. According to Jung,
they are things that are not connected through causality, yet are connected
through meaning. But if so, what then, defines meaning? Don’t expect me to be
able to elaborate that. I never delved into the writings of Jung.
Many miles away....
What I do know is this: my world and the world of many I cared deeply about is out of balance. And we’re not talking about a slight tilt to the left. We’re talking about Pompeii-scale catastrophe. Those that incidents that eats you away inside, and giving you intense pain that you wishes you would just vanishes to oblivion.
I am an avid believer of karma. However, thinking that this
is a bad group karma is too fatalistic. After all, despite all that we have
done, we are all relatively good people (as debatable as it is). It’s
not like we killed a guy then cover it up together. Besides, these people I
cared about are not a part of the same group. They have no apparent connections. And at least two of them can even be categorized
as angels according to mortal standard.
This moment, I don’t even have space in my mind for another thought. I
don’t even know how to think straight anymore. The fight between ego and common
sense in my mind is burning all of my energy that I no longer have any fuel for
anything else. Even so… The affection and empathy I feel for everyone I care
about is impossible to erase, even if it is consuming everything else that is
left in me violently.
Yes, Mbak. That includes the affection and empathy I feel for you. You are a great friend of mine, one which I care for deeply; and it pains me greatly to see that I’ve caused you this pain. I don't know how I can ever get your forgiveness. Or even if I would.
Yes, Mbak. That includes the affection and empathy I feel for you. You are a great friend of mine, one which I care for deeply; and it pains me greatly to see that I’ve caused you this pain. I don't know how I can ever get your forgiveness. Or even if I would.
You know what? Fuck this. Maybe it’s time for me to pray. Let’s
just hope I still remember how.
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