Cool Kids

"I wish that I could be like the cool kids,
'Cause all the cool kids, they seem to fit in."
~Ecosmith - Cool Kids

I was an outlier. Growing up, I never feel the need to be the cool kids. It's not that I hate cool kids. Most of them are actually pretty cool. It's just that their life was not mine. And I never intended it to be. I think it's nice to be an outlier. While the cool kids were trying to fit in, I was content with my manga and collection of ash. (Yes, I collected ashes back in the days. I would burn things and saw the different forms of ash they would make. That was how creepy I was. Don't worry. None of the things I burned were alive.)

I hated people. Especially when they are in groups. Making friends was not something that comes natural to me. I had some friends, and most of them were as quirky as I was. Still are. I had always been uncomfortable in social situation. I think the first time I ever really feel not awkward among a lot of people was after I have a job. Somehow being a 'professional' really helped me find the confidence to talk to people and mingle with bunches of them. I guess it's true that access to capital could make a person be empowered.

Reminiscing on how I was, and seeing the way that I am now, I realised that much have changed. And let me just say that I just love the way that I am now. I think I am comfortable in my own skin. More than I ever was. And I enjoy this transformation. I like to see it as me embarking on a journey to find myself. So far, I like what I have found.

Get it? Got it? Good!

Unfortunately, as always, society finds a way to disrupt your happiness. A couple of days ago someone I know said to me, "You look better lately. More marketable." Let me just first say that this is just an awful thing to say to anyone. Human beings are not commodities. At least not on that sense. People (at least I) do not go through personal transformation because they are looking for a market to sell themselves in. No. Personally, I did it for me and myself only. I don't see why it is really difficult for society to understand.

Yes I have changed. Physically and mentally. And I know that the changes manifested themselves visually. But the thing is, I am still the same me. The same person people ignored just a few months ago. And I don't see why people would judge me differently. But I can feel that they do.

I love my current self. More than I have ever loved myself previously. But there are times, such as tonight, when I just miss that little skinny girl that everyone ignored. She did not have to face people's screwed appreciation. She did not have to worry about being nice to other, because she knew people who were nice to her has no ulterior motives; and the people who were not nice to her simply does not matter. She could simply dance through life without people even noticing. And tonight, just tonight, I would give everything to feel a glimpse of that blissful ignorance again.