Synchronised Pain

Synchronicity. Meaningful coincidences. According to Jung, they are things that are not connected through causality, yet are connected through meaning. But if so, what then, defines meaning? Don’t expect me to be able to elaborate that. I never delved into the writings of Jung.

Many miles away....

What I do know is this: my world and the world of many I cared deeply about is out of balance. And we’re not talking about a slight tilt to the left. We’re talking about Pompeii-scale catastrophe. Those that incidents that eats you away inside, and giving you intense pain that you wishes you would just vanishes to oblivion.

I am an avid believer of karma. However, thinking that this is a bad group karma is too fatalistic. After all, despite all that we have done, we are all relatively good people (as debatable as it is). It’s not like we killed a guy then cover it up together. Besides, these people I cared about are not a part of the same group. They have no apparent connections. And at least two of them can even be categorized as angels according to mortal standard.

This moment, I don’t even have space in my mind for another thought. I don’t even know how to think straight anymore. The fight between ego and common sense in my mind is burning all of my energy that I no longer have any fuel for anything else. Even so… The affection and empathy I feel for everyone I care about is impossible to erase, even if it is consuming everything else that is left in me violently.

Yes, Mbak. That includes the affection and empathy I feel for you. You are a great friend of mine, one which I care for deeply; and it pains me greatly to see that I’ve caused you this pain. I don't know how I can ever get your forgiveness. Or even if I would.

 

You know what? Fuck this. Maybe it’s time for me to pray. Let’s just hope I still remember how.